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Sex Talk Pt. 24 – Why Anal Sex Shouldn’t Be A Nightmare

Many times a woman’s first time exploring anal sex is often not an exploration at all. Its damn near an attack. To hear these ladies tell it, it’s almost always the same, horrible, traumatizing experience. And for the record, I believe them. It’s sad that I can guess why most women don’t like anal sex. Its even more sad, that the men who scarred them, often don’t know the damage they’ve caused.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and say that all men are innocent and ignorant to this. Definitely not. But, if they knew, what I knew, they’d probably take a different path when trying to give their partner their first anal experience. To be clear, what I know is nerves, and pleasure. Most of the nerves, and pleasure zones in the lower region of our bodies are connected. What does that mean? It means that your anus, has pleasure zones, and is connected to a network of nerves that your other “private parts” are part of.

Once you know that the anus is part of the same group of nerves as the other “pleasure parts”, then you know that the anus can, and does feel pleasure. Meaning, anal sex can feel good. This is true for all humans. Its part of our anatomy. That’s also why studies have shown for years that men (yes, even straight men), enjoy oral action or penatration of the asshole.

But regardless of your sexual preference, whenever you’re trying anal sex, it shouldn’t just be rammed and plowed. In fact, those are the very actions that many do take, and those are the same actions that have left many women hurt physically, and scarred mentally. Men who aren’t putting enough lube, aren’t preparing ladies for anal sex, and are just doing the bare minimum are messing it up for all of us.

My suggestion, is that you do some research of your own, learn anatomy, and speak with your partner. Ask your patner about past experiences, what felt good and bad, and maybe even do some research together. Then maybe the two of you can figure out how to move forward together. Because without trust, proper communication and preparation, you’ll only create problems. Problems aren’t the word we want, we want pleasure. Pleasurable, memorable, experiences for everyone.

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The Coding Of A Bachelor

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Sex Talk Pt. 22 – How to Make a Bedroom Playlist

Bedroom Playlist like any other playlists are focused on vibes. You want to keep a few things in mind when creating one. The mood you want to focus on, the tempo you’re trying to set, and your partner. Remember that this playlist will be something you listen to together. So you want to make it enjoyable for the both of you. Keep that in mind when choosing the genre, tone, and tracks.

Step 1:

Open your preferred DSP (Digital Streaming Platform) like Tidal, Spotify, Apple Music, etc.

Step 2:

Decide what genre(s) you think are best for you and your partner.

Step 3:

If you know some artists for that genre then search their names and choose a track or two that fit the tone/tempo you want the playlist to have.

If you don’t know anyone in the genre you can search the genre itself and songs, artists and other playlists will pop up. Choose from the search results.

Step 4:

Once you have a song you want to choose press options and add to playlist. Then you’re going to press “Create New Playlist”. Add a name and the track will upload to the playlist.

Step 5:

Continue to add songs to the playlist that match your criteria. Once you have at least 15 songs you’re ready to go.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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Sex Talk Pt. 21 – Why You Need A Bedroom Playlist

Music soothes the soul. Music has the power to change moods. Music has the power to spark emotions. Who doesn’t love a good song? Or a few …

As good as it is to hear each other, there’s nothing like hearing great music to help set the mood, or the tone. They say all super heros need theme music. I think memorable sex does too. Whether you’re using the music to drown out background noise from the apartment or neighborhood you’re in, or using it to stay in rhythm, a good playlist is helpful either way. And they don’t need to be 30 hours long either.

A good playlist can start the night off for you. You can have it playing when they walk in the room and it will grab their attention. It may even get the no-pants party started for you. Your partner could hear a song that sends them into heat, and begin stripping right then and there. Or, perhaps it snaps them back to a time when the two of you had a great intimate moment. Perhaps they’d like to recreate that moment.

A good playlist can also serve as a distraction. It could be a way of muting the loud neighbor, or roommate. It can also let those people know not to distrub the two of you. It can also be very helpful when trying new things in the bedroom. Sometimes you need a distraction so you’re not focusing on the pain or the super sensitive area they are kissing on. It can even help calm your nervousness during anxious moments. A little Luther goes a long way.

A playlist can be as short as 15 songs. The average song is 3.5 mins. That puts your playlist just under an hour. You can put that playlist on repeat mode and have a great night. When curating it – putting it together – you want to keep your partner in mind. Make sure the playlist is going to entice them. Create a vibe.

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Sex Talk Pt. 19 – Why You Shouldn’t Rush Oral Sex

Often oral sex is looked at as a task. Something that people expect or request. They look at it as a way of warming up the engine. But they try to skim through it. Racing through oral sex, hoping to turn their partner on just enough to move on to the next thing. The reality is, rushing oral sex is a terrible idea, that should never be done.

When you rush oral sex the other person can often tell. Especially if they have received good oral sex in the past. If its a partner you’ve been with before, they know your style and can probably tell that you’re rushing it. That alone could be destroying the very vibes you’re trying to create. Oral sex is a journey, not a quick sprint.

When you try to just dash to the finish line and move on, it takes away from the process. It truly is a process. Its getting a person from one place to another. But don’t think of it as taking them to the corner store. Instead, think of it as taking them to the next town. I’m not saying that it needs to be a three state road trip, but it should be worthwhile. You should focus on the process and enjoy taking them through every step of it.

If you focus on them, and the process, it will become an experience. It will become something that they enjoy. Let them take a ride with you, and drive them to the land of climax. This is something they’ll remember, think back on, and probably reward you for. But the moment is where you should be. Zoning in on what you’re doing and the goal at hand. And that goal is their pleasure, not yours. So keep that in mind.

Quick Links:

The Coding of a Bachelor

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Sex Talk Pt. 18 – Taking Notes Will Improve Your Sex Life

You’ve got a million little things to do. One of them is your partner. If you care about pleasing them, or simply having a good time, then this tip will be helpful. Getting to know your partner takes time. As time passes, what people like and dislike will change. In the moment, many things can happen. You probably won’t remember every detail of every sex session.

If you want to pass the class, you have to take good notes. That doesn’t just apply to college courses. You can be good at sex, you can pay attention to details, but if you don’t take notes, you’re going to miss out on a lot. You could also just forget stuff. Being busy, and having lots on your mind, can make you forget vital information.

Do you need to have a physical notebook? No. Do you need to jot things down in your phone? No. Whichever you choose is fine. If you think your memory is good enough, you can use that. But these bookmarks, or sticky notes, will make a big difference.

Simply put, there are things that stand out in a good and a bad way during sexual moments. Foreplay, oral sex, intercourse, and after sex cuddles, all provide you with information. What you do with that information is up to you. Seeing those things is one skill, knowing what to do with that information is another. And, that information could be about them or about you. Either way, its good to be able to look back at those notes later on.

Taking notes will give you a slew of things to look back on, reflect on, use, or improve on. If your notes say your partner likes “Thing A”, you can do it more often. If your partner says they love when you wear blue underwear, you can make sure to have that color on next time you see them. Or, if you have a list of things they don’t like, you can skip that on focus on what they do like. You can also take notes on things you like and don’t like. Data collection is step 1. Reviewing and using that data is step 2.

Quick Links:

The Coding of a Bachelor: Part 1

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Sex Talk Pt. 17 – Why paying attention to details is important.

In many sexual situations we miss out on truck loads of details. Where her nails painted? Did she moan before I bit her or after? Did she cum in position 1 or 2? I mean, do you think you’ve caught everything, every time? I certainly haven’t. But the more you pay attention, the more you will see.

In poker there’s a term for when one of the other players has a pattern of doing something. Its called a “tell”. For example, if a player had a good hand and is going to raise the bet, maybe he scratches his chin first. It may be something way less subtle. However, if you pay close enough attention you’ll find it. Finding that sign, that pattern, that thing, can make a huge difference. The same can be said in the bedroom.

You’ll be able to see much more if you’re paying attention. The intricate details of the pleasure and how we react to it are often missed. Not because we’re blind. More so because we’re enjoying things so much that we’re caught up, and just living in it. I agree you should live in the moment and make sure you’re focused. But its also very important to seek out more information. The more you know about your partner, what you do that they like, and don’t like, the more accurately you can please them.

Does this mean that you need to hit the bullseye every time? No. It doesn’t mean that you copy and paste or become a robot of pleasure. It means that you cater to your partner. You seek their pleasure and you want to do your job as efficiently as possible. To do that you must pay attention. There’s a reason they say, “The devil is in the details”. Its because those details are vital and make a big difference.

In closing, there are many things that our partners tell us without words. In foreplay, intercourse and more. Missing those details can mean completely striking out. Finding those details can help you be more efficient and make sex sessions more memorable. The more details you seek, the more information you’ll have, and the more you can please your partner.

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Sex Talk Pt. 16 – When and How to be Intimate

Shortly after I released the last blog I received a DM from a gentleman who is a good friend, of a good friend of mine. The gentlemen asked me some questions about intimacy. He had valid questions and asked if I could do a blog about intimacy. I’d never gotten a request for a blog before, and asked him some questions in return. Long story short, he thought it may be helpful if I spoke about when and how to be intimate with someone. I’m honored and hope to offer some value to him and anyone else who may need help in this area.

Intimacy by definition is either closeness and familiarity, or an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse. But that’s not all it means. Intimate moments are special, memorable. Even in a non sexual sense. Cozy, comfortable settings are welcoming. You feel like you can be vulnerable there. The ability to create a setting where people feel at home, where they feel comfortable is a special skill. I’d argue that the same is possible when it comes to sexual moments.

Sexual intercourse is simply science. Its physical, its chemical. But nudity and friction are not enough to create intimacy. It takes submission, vulnerability, and courage. Submission of yourself, your body, and your mind. You are giving it all to the other person, and to that moment. Vulnerability is required because you’re exposed; naked physically, chemically, and emotionally. Which is exactly why it takes courage. Because you’re giving it all, exposing it all, and have no clue what the outcome will be. Which is scary as fuck, and can be different every time.

There have been moments that I took time to cultivate and build bravery for where they turned out well. I studied every note I had on said person and worked to create a moment for us. It took time, patience and knowing the person well. In some moments it worked like a charm. In other moments I was completely shut down and told there was no way. There have also been moments when I could feel it in the air. I read the room, felt her vibes, took a leap of faith and went for it. Again, some were a success, others were complete failures.

Intimacy has a lot to do with timing, people and chemistry as well. Knowing when to take your shot is an art within itself. How did Jordan know when to shoot over two defenders? How did the Quarterback know to throw it so his teammate could catch it in stride? It’s hard to know, and harder to explain. Sometimes it feels right, it looks right, and stil goes wrong. Because its a roll of the dice. You have to pay attention to the signs you’re being given, and be brave enough to go for it.

How:

1 – Create a vibe. Light a candle. Play some smooth music. Make them comfortable. It helps them build bravery and acceptance.

2 – Pace yourself. You can’t just strip them down and pounce on them if you want intimacy.

3 – Fully give yourself to the person.

4 – Fully give yourself to the moment. Focus on nothing else.

5 – Be brave enough to take a risk. Go for it. Take a shot. Roll the dice.

6 – ALWAYS seek consent. If they aren’t down it can’t happen. NEVER force things. It MUST be organic.

When:

1 – When it feels right to you. When you know inside that this is the moment.

2 – When you are ready to take the leap of faith and give it a try.

3 – When you see the signs and feel that the two of you are in alignment.

4 – When you have consent to move forward. If they only allow first base that’s okay. There’s always later. Everything doesn’t have to happen now. Do what they allow, don’t push for more.

Remember that trying to start things with a new person is different than trying to create an intimate moment. Trying to start sex or sexual acts isn’t the same thing. Intimate moments are often more sensual than sexual.

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Sex Talk Pt. 15 – Chemistry

Sometimes sex feels like it’s just flowing. It feels like it’s effortless, easy and fun. Other times sex feels like you’ve got to put in a lot of work mentally to even make it happen. One of the reasons this could be happening is because of chemistry. Chemistry isn’t just a science class where you learn how to combine elements. Breaking Bad was cool, but this is about another topic. Simply put, chemistry can take sex to levels you didn’t imagine. It can be with someone you have been with for eons, or a person you just met.

When things seem to click between you and another person, that’s chemistry. When things seem to just be seamless, that’s chemistry. When there’s a special, undeniable connection, that’s chemistry. Chemistry isn’t just about relationships, it has lots to do with physicality. It trumps looks, body types, and more. Because that spark, that connection, will leave you yearning for that person or even that feeling. It can be great, or dangerous at times. Especially when that undeniable feeling is with someone who you have great sex with, but not a great relationship with. I’ve seen chemistry keep people around for a long time, that probably should have been cut off decades ago.

Sometimes chemistry can take on a life of it’s own and make people do things that had no intention of doing. Sometimes it strengthens a bond, other times, it takes things to a more personal level, and other times it brings the “freak” out of you. When the chemistry is right you’re turned on, open minded, and yearning for the other person. You can be enthralled with the idea of being intimate with this person. Because it feels so good, you feel as if the connection you have physically is beyond that of thought. Since little to no thought is needed when you’re with this person, its a joyful experience each time.

I think that many of us in 2020 are skipping chemistry. I think that many of us seek out sex, or a goal of intimacy, without seeing if there’s a true spark, a deeper connection. I’m not talking about love, or feelings for a person, I’m speaking about a vibe. A vibe that has nothing to do with their lips, their outfit or your attraction to that person. I also think that if we truly valued what chemistry brings to sexual experiences, we would cherish and appreciate chemistry when we do find it. My advice is that you seek out chemistry with your partners. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have sex if there isn’t chemistry. That’s up to you. However, if you seek out those vibes and get them, you will have a greater, more memorable experience.

Quick Links:

Off The Rebound: A Sex Memoir

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Sex Talk Pt. 14 – Self Exploration

Ever wondered what really turns you on? How well do you know yourself intimately? How well do you know your likes and dislikes? Have you ever taken some time to really dive into what you like? If you can’t think of immediate answers then you may want to take some time for yourself, to get to know yourself.

Often we place the burden of pleasure on our partner. We expect them to know our body, where our hot spots are, and what buttons to press to place us on the express train to pleasure. Yet so many of us don’t know what we like. If I read a list of 50 things, I cannot guarantee that I’d be able to say yay or nay to each of them. Being in tune with these things, knowing what constitutes as slow cooker, and whats the microwave is important. Knowing these things can make a huge difference, especially in a clutch moment.

Just as it is important to get to know your partner, its important to know yourself. I’m not saying you should have weekly masturbation marathons. But would it hurt to do so? Have you tried everything? Do you know everything in the sexual realm and if it works or doesn’t work for you? Probably not. Trying different stuff with your parner is great and I’d say necessary. But you should also do both of you a favor and get to know yourself a bit as well.

There are a few ways to do this. I’ll offer two, for now. The first way is to carve out some time to search & sample. Look stuff up, check out kinks, positions, and other unorthodox sexual things. Allow yourself the room to be intrigued, curious, turned on and turned off. Sit with those things for a while and truly search your feelings. Dive into your own exploration rabbit hole.

The second way, takes more vulnerability. Because it requires trust, and submission. Learn with your partner. Go on a journey with them. Together you can discover all of the things you like, and don’t like. Trying tons of different things all while they literally hold your hand. This can be a beautiful experience and it can take your bond to a level you may have never thought possible. Not the easiest thing to do, but it can be very rewarding.

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Sex Talk Pt. 13 – Kinks

Kinks are things that are usually not acceptable in traditional sex. Plain “vanilla” sex deems these things unorthodox or even taboo. To some, that only makes it more enticing. To others that means those things are off limits and even weird. But being kinky or embracing the kinks you’re into can greatly enhance sex.

We are all into different things. Society often tells us that those things are weird, gross, or should only be fantasies. But a kink is not a fantasy. A kink is something you want to do or are doing. Where a fantasy is usually something we glamorize and imagine and maybe hope to do it one day. Some argue that a true fantasy never comes true. However, a kink, a non-traditional sexual activity can and I’d say should be happening.

Personally, I believe that all kinks are okay. As long you aren’t harming animals, and your kinks do NOT involve children, I encourage it. Because the reality is that we all like different things, done different ways. Who am to judge if you only have sex upside-down? Or if you like to turn your partner into a PB&J sandwich. If you have a room in your house that’s dedicated to BDSM and full of whips I’m rooting for you.

However, knowing what you like can be challenging and being vulnerable enough to show these things to your partner is a whole other ball game. First, don’t shame yourself or allow others to do so. You like what you like and there’s nothing wrong with that. Im sure there’s a community of people who love that too. Embrace your kinks. Telling and showing your partner the things you’re into is challenging. It takes courage and trust. It also takes a willing partner.

If your partner aims to please you then this won’t be an issue. If you’re building trust with your partner this should be a lot easier. But just as it takes work on your end to be brave and share these things it also takes work on your partner’s end. They have to be open minded and willing to try stuff. Unfortunately, if they are not, then they probably aren’t the patner for you. You’ll find out when you share and explore with them.

In closing, we should work to embrace our kinks and the kinks of our partners. When your partner comes to you and says that they like _____ be sure to thank them for their bravery in sharing, and to speak with them about it. Allow them the space to explain what they like and why, and if its not something that goes against the boundaries you two have set, give it a try. After all, you ll want the same thing when you divulge your kinks to them. Build trust and remember to share your kinks. You never know how much they may be into it too.

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