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How To Focus During Sex

Being an adult requires you to juggle multiple things at once. Your focus has to be laser sharp to make sure that you’re doing everything you need to do, and you’re where you need to be at all times. You’ve got to worry about laundry, dishes, work, possibly kids, and much more. Often the worry, and angst of it all can bleed into the bedroom. And it usually does so at the worst possible time.

In the midst of an intimate moment with your partner it can be very easy to get distracted with thoughts of other things. You’re having a great moment with your partner, things are flowing and soon, so are random thoughts. Did you put the leftovers away? Did we lock the bedroom door? Did anyone take out the trash? These and other thoughts have a way of sneakily entering your brain and the bedroom.

It happens to the best of us. The byproduct is often a disruption of the physical activities. Firmness lost, wetness dried, and apologies given. However, I’m here to tell you that these moments don’t have to ruin the fun. These stop signs can be lessened to a single speed bump, and even eradicated. It takes time, and practice, but it can be done.

You could think of this as a way to compartmentalize. You need not create a mental filing cabinet, where you alphabetize your thoughts. However, you will be putting those thoughts away for the time being. In that overwhelming moment it may be too hard to rid yourself of all of the thoughts flooding your mind. So don’t. Instead, put them in your back pocket for later. When those thoughts rush your mind, and you feel yourself drifting away, take a breath and re-enter yourself. Much like your GPS, you want to bring yourself back to the proper place.

Redirecting your focus is the key. Staying in that moment is vital. By taking a breath, and realigning yourself, you put those thoughts away (for now), and stay on task. You continue to focus on pleasing your partner and creating memorable moments. This will take practice, and may not work immediately. But over time, you can get better and better at it. Just remember that your partner wants you there with them, pleasing them, and enjoying the session. Be present. Be in that moment. Be focused.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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Do This After Sex

Sometimes you have amazing sex and feel like you’ve gotten a taste of heaven. Everything from the first kiss, to the last thrust, went great. You and your partner both feel great! Now what? Get up, clean up, give them a high five, and get dressed? I’m sure you know this already, but people can lose that natural high just as quickly as they gained it. That’s exactly why you may want to do a few things after sex is over. These things can help keep the mood and make your partner feel calm, comfortable, and even safe.

The first thing you can do is focus on their emotional wellbeing. This is a great time to help them feel good about the experience as a whole. You can discuss what just happened (sex), and offer them praise or even reassurance. These are great for morale and boosting your partners spirits. You can even be silent. There’s some who find that being silent for a little while after sex is soothing, comforting. These can all be comforting acts, that are just as intimate as sex.

Another thing you can do is appeal go their physical nature. One way to do this is to get them some water. A nice cold glass of water helps after an intense session. You can also cuddle with them and hold them close. This keeps the connection going. Keeping this intimacy going can be very helpful.

These acts are often called aftercare. Those things you do after sex to keep the intimacy going, and make your partner feel relaxed, cared for, and safe can be just as important as sex itself. Sadly, many don’t do any aftercare. They finish up, clean up, and head out of the room. Doing these small things can make a big difference when the session is over. Aftercare is a great way to keep things intimate and decrease your partners level of vulnerability.

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5 Ways To Heat Up Your Summer

Summer is well on its way. Some people are going to be having summer flings. Others are going to be turning up with their partner. But everyone loves to have a good time during the summer. Here are a few ways to turn the heat up with your partner.

1. Clean and moisturuze their body. This may seem simple, but it can be very intimate and fun. You can sit them in the tub and give them a nice bath. Some flirting, some washing, some touching. Or you can give them a good scrubbing while they’re on the shower, just enjoying the water and your gentle touch. Then when they come out, you can have their favorite moisturizer (lotion, oil, body butter) ready and smoothly apply it to their naked body.

2. Give them a massage. If you just bathed them, this is an easy transition. If you didn’t, that’s okay. People like a good massage, and even if you’re not great at it, the effort and pampering will be appreciated. Its relaxing, and can be a soothing, and sensual experience. It’s also a great way to tease your partner. You can easily start foreplay with a massage by caressing them in spots that turn them on. The more you know about your partner, the easier it will be to accomplish.

3. Set the mood, set the tone, set the vibe. Whether you’re massaging them, or they are just walking through the door, setting the mood is always a good idea. Good music and some candles are always a good way to do this. Cater to their musical interests. Play something soft and smooth, that they enjoy. Those smooth tunes and a nice scent flowing through the room are a great combination. A great way to get things started.

4. Talk dirty. This is an art form that can turn a person on without you ever touching them. The best part is, you can do it anywhere. You can do it at dinner, you can do it while watching a movie, you can do it while giving them a massage. It can be as simple as telling them what you want to so to them, or what you’d like them to do to you. The more details you give, the more sensual the delivery, the more your partner will enjoy what they hear. Talk dirty to your partner and you may not need to do much more. They may pounce right on you.

5. The summer often leaves us feeling hot and sticky. Use ice to simultaneously cool them off and turn them on. You can use your hands or your mouth to do so. You can put the ice all over their body, or you can keep it in your mouth while kissing and sucking on different parts of their body. It will shock their body, cool them off, and heat things up for the both of you. Especially if you use that ice on sensitive areas.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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Why You Should Screen Your “Clients”

I’ve said before that there’s nothing wrong with a one-night stand. There’s nothing wrong with being single and having fun, as long as you’re safe. I encourage everyone to get tested and have a blast. I’d also like to encourage you to do something else. Screen your clients. The term may seem clinical or like a business transaction. But don’t get stuck on my word choice. Semantics aside, there’s a lot to unpack here.

Sometimes you meet someone (whether in public, through a friend, or on a dating app), and you hit it off. Things are flowing and soon you’re getting intimate. Things should always flow and chemistry is beyond important. You know what’s equally important? Learning who you’re sleeping with. Learning who you’re dating.

It’s true that you are a stranger to everyone you meet and they are a stranger to you. I’d like to encourage you to get to know them a bit. Because if you don’t, you literally don’t know who you’re dealing with. You don’t know whose house you’re in. You don’t know who you’re inviting to your apartment. I’m not saying they’re going to Purge when they arrive. What I’m saying is, you don’t know what they are capable of, what they believe in, or don’t believe in. They may have great kissing skills and greater oral abilities, but that’s not all you’ll be receiving.

You’re going to deal with whatever baggage, beliefs, and perspectives they come with. You may have spoken before things became intimate and briefly picked their brain. Cool. But you don’t really know someone after the first interview. It’s not until they’re at that job regularly that you start to get to know them a bit. Seldom do people reveal their true colors at the start of the game. There were times when even Kobe didn’t heat up until the second half. It pays to know this person you’re dealing with.

To be blunt, I’m saying that if you’re dealing with a stranger you’re already at a disadvantage. If you’re dating or being intimate with them don’t allow them to continue being a stranger. Because you’re exchanging, ideas, time,and fluids with a stranger. Get to know them. Learn about them. Find out more about who they really are. Because the less you know about them, the more you leave yourself open to getting hurt, blindsided, and surprised in bad ways. Then you’re forced to play defense. As opposed to studying film and getting to know the person.

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Dating Someone New | Have Some Consideration

When you’re dating someone new, or in a non-committal relationship (friends with benefits or something of that nature), its easy to have tunnel vision and be locked on your wants, needs and desires. Often friends, family and co-workers will encourage you to focus on yourself because you’re not committed to that other person. They may be a play thing, or a friend who you’re also intimate with, but they aren’t your significant other. Due to a lack of commitment many are quick to neglect that persons wants, needs, and even their perspectives in situations. I’m here to tell you that, that isn’t always the best way to go about things.

When dating someone, you may not be committed, but the two of you are building a bond of sorts. You’re spending time, learning each other, and learning about each other’s mindsets, beliefs and perspectives. Whether you’re intimate or not, whether you’re open to the relationship becoming more or not, you’re getting to know this person on many levels. Therefore, completely ignoring their feelings and perspectives isn’t good. First, its inconsiderate to say, “fuck your feelings”, and only focus on your own. Second, they are humans just like you and exercising empathy is seldom a bad thing.

I’m not saying that you have to compromise your feelings for theirs. I’m not saying you have to erase your perspectives and embrace theirs. What I am saying, is that hearing them out, and considering their perspective or feelings costs you nothing. If you want to eat at a Mexican restaurant, and your friend wants Chinese food, you’d hear them out and possibly offer to go to a fusion restaurant or maybe something that offers options you can both enjoy. This isn’t very different. Especially if the person is a friend with benefits.

When dating someone brand new, this may be a little different, but it’s worth mentioning because empathy goes hand in hand with humility. Being stubborn, staying locked in your own mindset doesn’t help you, the other person, or your situation. As the saying goes, you catch more bees with honey than vinegar. I know it’s easy to say, “Oh well, I’m single. I don’t care.” In that moment of selfishness, you may not care, and you may say, “fuck it”. But later on, you’re going to want to hang out, go on a date, grab a drink, or speak to this person. It behooves you to at least consider them and their perspectives on things.

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Why Multiple Sex Partners Isn’t For Everyone

Whether you’re single or not, having multiple sex partners is a lot to juggle. There are all types of names for it, and all types of views on it. Whether you’re in multiple relationships or sleeping with multiple people, there are lots of things to deal with, and consider. Time and effort, personalities, emotional intelligence, and more. All of these things should be considered regardless of which side of the fence you sit on.

Time is something that we don’t get back. How much time and effort you give a person can directly affect you and your energy levels as well. By giving tons of time and effort to others, you can easily be drained or overwhelmed. If you’re in multiple relationships you have to be able to juggle that time and effort equally among the people that you’re committed to. If you’re single it’s not much different. You have to be able to juggle how much time and effort you give each partner. You may not be devoted to them the way you would be with a spouse, but you have dedicated yourself to them in some way. You have to be able to give each person the time and effort that is needed to keep things afloat. And if you want to excel, you have to figure out how to manage your time, and juggle everything that comes with having multiple partners. This can be very taxing, and extremely overwhelming if you’re not careful.

Everyone has different personalities. If you have multiple partners then you have to deal with each of those personalities. Whether that means dealing with two personalities or a ton, you’re going to be with each of them. It behooves you to learn about each of those personalities and to learn how to cater to each of them. The way you do this may be different if you’re in a relationship or not, but it’s still something that has to be done. Even if that’s on a small level, you’re going to want to learn about each of the personalities you’re going to be around on a regular basis. This takes time and can also be a lot for some to juggle. Especially, if you’re in several committed relationships.

Emotional intelligence is hard to come by. Not everyone understands how to deal with their emotions in an intelligent way. This mostly means keeping it real with yourself, being self aware of how you feel and how you have to proceed in situations. If you’re in a non-committed situation and develop feelings, you have to ask yourself what that means, how you should handle it, and how you should proceed. You and you’re partners are going to need to exercise that emotional intelligence. Without it, things can easily spiral out of control if emotions are not kept in check. Especially, if you’re not in a relationship with any of those partners. The less committed you are to those partners, the more you should exercise that emotional intelligence. The more you may need to keep those emotions in line.

The truth is, the more partners you have, the more you’re going to be extending yourself. You’re extending yourself physically, emotionally, and more. You’re giving up a lot of yourself, and you’re going to have to juggle a lot of things as well. Each person comes with different traits, quirks, likes, and dislikes. Each person will want and expect different things. Each person will require different things from you both in and out of the bedroom. You may only be thinking about the lavish lifestyle that TV portrays of the single bachelor or the polyamorous god-like person. But there’s a lot more to consider. As always, you should consider all aspects of the situation before diving in. If not, you could easily find yourself overworked, overwhelmed, and undervalued. On the flip side of the coin, if you work with each of these partners, compromise and exercise emotional intelligence, things could be great for all of you.

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Why Giving Your Partner Some Tips Can Improve Your Sex Life

Sex Talk Topic 5/25/21

There’s a theme going around where people feel that their partners should be able to do everything and anything to please them in the bedroom. They feel that their partner should come fully equipped and know everything they need and want. They believe that their partner(s) should know it all and be able to do it all. Some of the people who believe this feel so adamantly about it, that they refuse to teach their partners anything that they know. Even if that means that they won’t be fully pleased. After all, why should I have to teach them how to _______?

I’d like to pose a question to those who believe they shouldn’t teach their partner anything. My question is this: Did you know that giving your partner a few tips could be the difference between you reaching your “O” and not reaching it? Allow me to ask one more. If giving your partner a few tips, can take your sex life from good to great, is it not worth it? Can is the keyword here. If your partner is in the right neighborhood, but not at the right address, you can simply point them in the right direction. If your partner is in the right city, but in the wrong neighborhood, and far from the delivery address, why not give them directions? It can make a big difference. Plus you may not have to guide them too often. Especially if they’re willing to learn.

Here’s an example that may paint a better picture. Let’s say that your partner is going down on you. They are doing a good job, but they aren’t doing so well that you’re ready to burst. They aren’t doing so well that you are squirming and moaning uncontrollably. That definitely sucks, but things don’t have to stay that way. You don’t have to relive that subpar moment over and over again. You could give them a few tips to reach the goals you both aim to accomplish and those quick tips could make a huge difference. This is especially true if they are what I like to call a long-term sex partner.

If you’re going to be intimate with this person on a regular basis, then why not help them, help you? If they are willing to learn, and aiming to please you, then what do you lose teaching them a thing or two? I’d argue that you can benefit a great deal from teaching them a few quick things. Granted, everyone doesn’t learn at the same pace, nor do they come with the same level of experience. However, if you simply need to tell them to lick a little to the left and you’ll explode in half the time, isn’t it worth it?

Honestly, it’s not rocket science. We all have different preferences, likes, and dislikes. If your partner is lacking in a certain area, or you know how to help them step their game up, then help them. It benefits you and them. Teaching them a thing they don’t know, or helping them understand how to please you better is a good strategy. It allows them to learn, and it allows you to be pleased better, quicker, more efficiently, etc. This makes things more pleasurable for both parties and it can lead to lots of great times. If they are willing to learn, and you’re seeing them regularly, then it behooves you to do so. If they aren’t learning how to please you, or if they aren’t trying to be better, or if they don’t want to appease you, then maybe you don’t need them around. But if they’re down to learn, then show them, and watch how fast things improve and how much more explosive things become.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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5 Reasons Why You Should Get STD Tested Regularly

1. Stay Clean

You want to get tested regularly so you can always know the your status. If you don’t get tested its highly unlikely that you’ll know for sure whether you have an STD or not. Many things don’t have symptoms (especially for men), and others may not have noticeable symptoms until its been in your system for a while. The only way you can know for sure is by getting tested. The more often you’re tested, the less doubt you’ll have. So make sure to get tested every 3 to 6 months. That’s when STDs will show up on tests.

2. Stay Informed

In this day and age, data reigns supreme. There’s an important reason for that. Knowledge is power. Knowing what’s going on with you is key. Even in a worst case scenario, where you have an STD that can’t be cured, you still have options. The sooner you know you have the STD, the sooner you can begin treatment. Studies have shown that just like many other sicknesses, if you catch things in the beginning, and begin treatment immediately, your changes of survival are much better.

3. Responsibility

Having sex is being vulnerable. I’m not talking about pillow talk and secrets either. Most people aren’t using contraceptives when giving or receiving oral sex. It puts both parties at risk and many forget that. During sexual activities you’re exposed and vulnerable to catching STDs. Being responsible means getting tested. It also means communicating with your partners. If you’re not tested you don’t know what’s going on in your body, so when your body intertwines with another’s, you’re putting everyone at risk. Its better to know you’re clean, and move forward with little to no risk.

If you get tested and find out that you have an STD, then you have a responsibility to your community and your partners. Anyone who you’ve intimate with in between your last and most recent test needs to be notified. They need to be tested as well. The more data we have (neighborhood, city, state), the more we can make informed decisions. That doesn’t mean go door to door and tell everyone you have ______. But it does mean that you do the right thing, and reach out to those you’ve been intimate with as of late.

4. Health

Health is probably the most important reason to get tested regularly. If you want to remain healthy then you need to know if you’re sick or not. If you are, you can begin treatment or be cured right away. If you’re not sick, then you can confirm that, have documentation, and move on worry free. Staying healthy isn’t just diet and exercise. It’s imperative to be tested regularly to know the state of your own health. Sexual health is just as important as the other things we check on regularly.

5. Less Worry/More Fun

If you’re tested regularly, and know that you’re clean, you have far less to worry about. Now you can have fun, and not have to worry if you’re getting someone else sick. You can be confident about your status and health and do as you please. When someone is with you, they’ll also feel confident and safe because they know you’re clean. Now things can flow and go smoothly because the worry has been removed.

Tip: Get Tested Together

Going to get tested with your partner or someone you’re dating and may become physical with is a great idea. I’ve done it before and it’s been well received. It’s an ice breaker of sorts. It also let’s you know that this person is supportive and health conscious of nothing else. It takes a mature person to get tested with their partner and I think more people should embrace doing this together. Whether its a new partner or an old one, I ghinknkgs a good idea either way.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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How To Bring Sex Toys Into Your Sex Life

Sex toys can be lots of fun. They can elevate bedroom sessions to a whole new level. Knowing you want to use them is one thing. Knowing how to bring them into your sex life is a another thing all together. The process of introducing sex toys into your bedroom antics can be tricky. So I’m hoping to offer some assistance.

Step 1: Have the conversation

Speak with your partner. Let them know that you’d like to try bringing a toy into the bedroom. This is a delicate topic and you want to approach it with care. But it all begins with speaking to your partner. Seeing where their mind is, what they are open to. Once they are down to have the conversation, you can start the process.

Step 2: Tell them the goal

Let them know that this isn’t about them lacking in any way. This is about having even more fun. Its about the two of you coming closer together, being more intimate. Because thats what’s its all about. Learning more about each other, trying new things together, doing new things together, and using all of those experiences to grow closer together. Make the suggestion and see how they feel. If they agree, then you can bring a toy into the bedroom and move forward with the process.

Step 3: Setting the scene

You’re going to need to set things up. I don’t mean prepping for a party. I mean choosing a toy and getting your partner mentally ready to use it. Their comfort is the extremely important. They need to feel comfortable and safe. They need to feel like they can do this, and that it will be a fun experience. You’re going to start with a small amount of time. You don’t want to use the toy for an extended period of time. Give them a sample. Use the toy with them for a little bit, and then put it away. If it goes well, they’ll probably request it again in the near future. If it doesn’t go well , that’s okay too. Because there are plenty of other toys out there.

During play time you want to make sure that they are okay. Trying new things can be scary. Walk them through it. Ask if they’re ready, ask how it feels, and start off small. If they toy has different levels, you should probably start low and increase slowly over time. You don’t want to do too much too soon. It could scare them off.

You also need to be mentally ready for this experience. It requires patience on your end. You may have to take baby steps with them. You may not be able dive right into it. They may need more time than you’d like. They may say stop (or the safe word), sooner than you anticipated. You want to be ready for everything. The more comfortable you make them, the more calm you are, the better the outcome.

Its important that you allow things to flow organically, make your partner comfortable, and be patient if you want to being toys into the bedroom. Even if your partner has used toys before, it doesn’t mean that they’re ready to do so with you. Being a good leader means understanding the situation and your squad. Read the room, and do what you can to make it as smooth and fun of an experience as possible. Hopefully following these steps will help you do so. Hopefully these steps will help you bring toys into your sex life.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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A Quick Lesson On Safe Words

Safe words like “Red” & “Pineapples” have been made famous over the years. The 50 Shades movies & books showed various times where the words were used. Often it was said when one of the main characters felt she was at her limit and the pleasure was turning into pain. Mr. Hart used it as a truthful joke in his stand up. He used the word any time he felt uncomfortable. Both forms of media were highly praised and both gave you different scenarios where the words could and should be used. Both are extremely popular, and both have received both great and horrible feedback for a number of different reasons.

I don’t think either of them used the words incorrectly. It is true that safe words by nature make you think that they are words that are only to be used when sexual activities become dangerous or borderline abusive. The very term insinuates that the phrase will keep you away from danger. However, safe words, like any words, are what you make them out to be. As they said in The Matrix Reloaded, “It is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies.” This K. Hart saying his safe words whenever he feels uncomfortable isn’t wrong either.

Safe words can be used in many scenarios. It would behoove you go diacuss each of them with your partner. The last thing you want to do is throw them off when you say it. They can easily be confused and not know what they should do in that moment. If they’re used to hearing it when someone is hurt and you’re not, they can be completely lost when you say it. Since we’re all into different things, and all trying different things with different partners, its only logical to have agreed upon safe words with your partners.

Knowing each other’s safe words, or creating one for both of you to use together is a good idea. Another good idea is letting your partner know when and where you usually use it. For example, if you use it when you’re feeling too much pleasure and you need a quick break, you should let them know that. You never know what their history and experiences with safe words may be. You should assume nothing. Safe words are great ways of communicating during sexual and sensual activities. They tell your patner that it’s time to stop whatever they are doing no matter what it is. Another great way to use safe words is when you’re trying new things together. You may not be into something as much as they are and may need to put a stop to things.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor