There are plenty of horror stories of people not being able to climax because their partner didn’t know they had to do something specific, or their partner switched what they were doing and it altered the course of their climax. There are also stories of people feeling like they needed to put forth tons of effort to get their partner to the finish line. What if both of these could be avoided? What if a simple tool could help everyone win in all situations? What would we call this tool? Communication is the tool. Let’s talk about the act, of communicating.
Communicating is vital in all relationships. Both sexual and non sexual relationships can thrive or fall apart completely if there isn’t affective communication. Talking with your partner isn’t only important, it can be the key to climaxing, connecting more, and building better chemistry. For example, I’ve been in situations where I was on the reviving end of some A-Class oral sex. It was amazing, I was nearing the finish line, and then she stopped. We had vaginal sex afterwards and I was beside starting over. The sense was gone. Later on, I told the woman that I was nearing my climax when she stopped, and she angrily asked, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”
See she, like me – whenever I’ve been the giver and not the receiver – would have continued for another moment or so to make that climax cum to forwishing (pun intended). Yet without the knowledge of it being near, and a jaw on the verge of “locking”, she felt it best to throw in the towel. I can’t blame her. I’m guilty of stopping in a similar situation or two. But if you tell me you’re about to cum, as 112 once said, “Baby I ain’t go nowhere”.
When we communicated with our partner it provides information, it can alleviate stress, and even bring excitement to a situation. Keeping your partner in the dark is foolish, a waste of time and effort. Being assertive, expressing what you need and want, are more effective and more helpful. Help those who are trying to help you. Once we are transparent about these things, the path ahead will be a much smoother ride. And you’d be surprised how willing they are to reward you for communicating that to them.
A lot of times we “go with the flow” or “freestyle” in the bedroom. Personally I’m a big fan of doing things that feel natural and letting things happen organically. Especially when you and your partner have good chemistry. It’s also nice to plan things at times. It sets a different tone and let’s things flow a bit differently.
When you come with a plan there’s less to be unsure about. You can also be more assertive. You can plan based on cravings or desires as well. For example, if you want to make a mess and get wild you could use whipped cream. Its soft, fluffy and doesn’t stick to body parts well. Mostly because we are warm and it melts. But it doesn’t have to be food or “toppings”.
You can plan a romantic night. You can plan a night full of great foreplay. You can set up a session that’s just based on wild oral sex. You can even do a theme like BDSM night or role play day. There are tons of options here. Each of them takes pressure off of you if you take a second to plan things out. This is even easier when you know your patner well or really listen to them when they talk about sex or sexual desires.
Another reason to put a plan together is to build excitement. It’s not to receive a call or text saying, “Tomorrow you just come through and be ready. I’ve got things planned out and you’re gonna cum a lot and have fun.” That’s a great text/call/email to receive. To just show up and have a blast. Zero pressure or expectations? Who doesn’t like that every once in a while?
To conclude, there is nothing wrong with “freestyling” sex or sexual activities. Its also helpful to switch things up every now and then. Remember that we want to keep sex fun and memorable. Planning ahead of time also gives us a clear path and saves time. Lastly, its easier to do this when you have great communication with your partner. The more you understand them, the easier it is to plan something fun for you both.
Grooming has many definitions. However, if you want to know how it applies to sex that narrows things down a bit. Having a tidy appearance is the definition of grooming we want to focus on. The question you’re probably asking yourself is, “What does that have to do with sex?” Well, it has lots to do with sex and I’m going to dive into it and explain.
Regardless of you preferences, we all agree that some type of upkeep has to be done on various parts of the body. Nails, hair, and more all play a part in our appearance. Each of those things are also part of the show when sex happens. If your nails aren’t filed, or if they are too long, they can cause issues. If you have hair so long and untidy that it’s giving people hairballs that’s an issue. These things each have the ability to cause conflict and disrupt the flow of things during sexual activities.
There is nothing wrong with having hair or long nails. To be clear, what I’m saying is that these and other areas require upkeep. They require for us to keep them in some type of order. Jagged nails are just one example. You can be caressing a partner and turning them on, and then be doing the total opposite because of your nails. The same is true of hair in all of the many places it grows. Hair can create different sensations and change appearances, tastes, and more.
. A helpful rule is to give yourself a once over – in the mirror is most helpful – and see what’s out of place. Some things may just need a quick adjustment, others may need a lawn mower – small joke. But remember that you and your partner have preferences and needs. You want to keep the both of you in mind. If you expect them to be bald in some places and have filed nails, what are they expecting of you?
As always you want to speak with your partner and see what works best for all parties involved. For example, I don’t have an issue with a woman having long nails if they are filed and kept. I also encourage women to have pubic hair if it is what they like. I just would like to be able to please them without needing a machete to do so. I think everyone likes a clean workspace and to be pleased. Speak with your partner, ask questions, be respectful and keep things looking good. Remember, the more aesthetically pleasing things are, the better.
Personal hygiene is how you care for your body. This practice includes bathing, washing your hands, brushing your teeth, and more.
Healthline.com
Personal hygiene is our topic this week. It may seem like a no brainer, but it’s not something we should assume that our partner just has mastered. Also, in part two of my dating tips, I spoke about asking questions. You and your partner may view hygiene differently. For example, rag vs no rag (or loofah) when washing. Whichever your choice is may vary from your partner’s. The difference in opinion and cleaning styles can make a big difference.
Hygiene is a weird topic to talk about. People are finicky and this is a sensitive topic to talk about. Especially in 2020 when people “ghost” others for the slightest thing(s). However, the way we take care of our bodies varies from person to person and can affect the bedroom if you’re not careful. I encourage you to talk about this topic. Just tread softly.
There are definitely days when you want to please your partner and see what they taste like after a full day of being up and about. But what if it’s not one of the days you feel that way? What if you’re trying a new natural deodorant and its not working as well as you’d like? Or, what if you just came out of the gym and are all sweaty? Sweaty can be sexy, but not if it taste like, “oh no”. 🤢
Years ago I was seeing a woman who was so concerned with personal hygiene that she washed twice every shower. She used two diferent soaps, and then put a scented lotion all over her body. She smelled just as irresistible as she looked. Especially after she was done moisturizing. However, after a few months I asked her why she never skipped the “kitty” when she did this. She said she wanted to make sure there was never a reason for a man to turn away from oral sex. I totally understood. I asked her could she skip that area next time. I told her that I appreciated her methods and reasoning, but I also wanted to fully taste her. She obliged, and I made sure we both enjoyed ourselves.
On another occasion I had just got home from work, and got a booty call. I said yes, without knowing how soon they’d arrive. When they said they’d be at my place in just a handful of minutes I panicked a bit. I’d showered just before going to work, and work wasn’t very busy. But I prefer to be fresh for my partners. There wasn’t enough time for a bird bath or a quick wash up. So I used a pack of wipes that a friend gave me. They were scented and “for men”, but I’d never used them before. I gave my areas a quick wipe down and finished as they called saying they’d arrived. Things got heavy quick and she started giving me oral sex. Almost immediately she stopped and asked me what I’d done or used to make “him” taste so bad. I was embarrassed to say the least.
To conclude I’ll say this. We all have different styles and scents we use. We all have different natural smells and odors. Your partner has to smell and taste whatever is going on with your body, “private parts”, mouth, etc. Be curtious and think of your partner. Have a conversation with them and see what they like and don’t like. Then you should be able to discuss their routine, scents, etc as well. Keep things mutual, keep things light, and tread softly. Increasing the communication, and the cleanliness are always a good thing. You may not have to change anything, but if you did, it would be for both party’s benefits. Remember, when people enjoy things more, they do them more often.
The word of the day, better yet, the word of the week is foreplay. Foreplay is often slept on. It’s often skipped, ignored and neglected. Things get hot and heavy, they are flowing and you just want to get right to sex. You can’t think of anything more than penetration and the great feelings it gives each of you. You skip all of the pleasantries and next thing you know you’re in a full on sex session. Now you’re off to the races! But you never warmed up the car … you just drove off and went from zero to a hundred.
You may not hear about it in the barber shop or the local salon, but awesome foreplay does happen. It’s often skipped in stories as well. People seem to focus on the main stage when it comes to sexual activities. I’d like to gear the focus away from that today. Which is probably an unpopular thing to do in today’s instant world. But when we slow down and focus on the details, we get a better story. Just ask yourself, which of these two examples sounds better.
Example 1:
He made me cum so much! Girl, I came like three times back to back then a few minutes later I came again. The sex was great!
Example 2:
He played with my pussy while he kissed me. Then he put his mouth on every part of my body. After I came twice we went to have sex and he teased me some before putting it in. And girl, don’t get me started on the sex! He went slow and then picked up speed. That shit was intense.
Details. The devil is in the details. Make those details matter. Don’t skip them. You wouldn’t jump in your car and floor it. You warm that car up, make sure you have everything you need for yourself and that car, and then you check the mirrors before you start your trip. Well this should be no different.
No matter your sexual preference, how long you’ve been intimate with this partner, how long you’ve known this person, foreplay will make a difference. I don’t mean two kisses and then you fuck either. Take some time, and make it fun for the both of you. Warm that body up. Do the things that they like. Kiss, lick, nibble, bite, and suck on their body. Hit their spots, tease them, and make them want you more.
Good foreplay leads to great sex. You warm the person up, get them all hot and bothered and then provide good sex. That’s a memorable session. I’m not saying you have to perform oral sex on them for an hour straight. But on the flip side of the coin, if you did i’m sure they’d be very thankful and more than willing to show their appreciation in more ways than one.
Foreplay is supposed to be the pregame, the precursor to sex. Don’t skip it. Despite what TV shows, movies and the streets will have you believe, people enjoy foreplay. Good foreplay gets you turned on, in sync with each other, and can even make you cum. And that is all good. You want foreplay to be good. Get good at foreplay and you’ll see your sex life improve.
Lastly, remember that the same way you enjoy foreplay, so do they. Men and women both like foreplay. Never forget that. Foreplay is something everyone enjoys. There will definitely be times when you both want intercourse to happen and want it to happen right now. Thats fine. I’m not saying be a slave to foreplay. But please remember that both of you enjoy it. Do it to them, let them do it to you. Take a few minutes and let the good times happen. Everything in life doesn’t have to be instant or immediate.
Today we’re going to discuss two things which go hand in hand. When both of these things are in place, sex flows smoothly, foreplay is fun, and all parties involved will have a blast – pun intended. The first thing is being open minded. That means that you are willing to try new things and more specifically, new things with your partner. The other thing is that you two will set boundaries. This is when you explain to each other what the, “deal breakers”, are. You are setting limits that feel safe and healthy to you. If each person is open minded, but sets healthy boundaries. the sex can reach a whole new level. This won’t always be the case right off of the bat, but it definitely can happen that way too.
Trying new things can be scary, nerve wrecking, and foreign territory for many. However, if you’re not open to trying new things, then the sex can become, very repetitive, boring and eventually, monotonousness. Even doing your favorite position every night will get boring at some point. We all like a little change, a switch up, some spontaneous fun that we didn’t expect. But in order for that sort of thing to happen you have to be open minded. Maybe something that your partner is into is cool and different. Maybe they know how to put a twist on something that will excite you. If you don’t try it, you won’t know. This can be anything from role playing, to a sexual position, bringing sex toys into the bedroom, the list goes on.
The reason I say that you should also be willing to try things with your partner is because different people do things differently. Everyone doesn’t two step the same way. Some people add a dip to it, or a spin move. Everyone doesn’t tongue kiss the same way either. The same way that you have preferences, they do as well. And the same way you have skills, they do as well. They’ll most likely do something you like, and they probably have more up their sleeves. However, if you aren’t willing to explore these things with them, it will only limit the sex for you both.
For example, if you had a terrible experience trying anal sex, its natural to not want to do it again. However, if it’s not 100% off limits, and you trust your partner, then give it a shot. Clearly anal sex is an example, but there are many examples we could use. Don’t let your past dictate your future. Don’t let one bad experience ruin your sex life. You never know what you’ll like or not like if you don’t try it. And if you don’t try it with different people, you may stay stuck avoiding something you could possibly love. Grandma’s food doesn’t taste identical to your aunts, even if that is her daughter. Maybe auntie has a great dish you refuse to try because grandma sucks at making it. Same concept. If it’s not completely off limits to you, try that shit. Remember, trying doesn’t mean diving into the deep end You can always start by dipping your toes in the water, or even just having a discussion about doing it in the near future. Your comfort is what’s most important.
That being said, we all have things that are off limits. These are things that to us -individually – are completely off the table. That is one hundred percent fine and we all have them. Some have many, some have very few. Either way, expressing them helps greatly. If I know what’s off the table then I know what not to do, and how to proceed with everything else. Knowledge is power, especially in the age where data has more value than dollars. When both parties let each other know what’s off the table then you know what your limits are, and theirs, and you can have a good time by skipping those things. It also brings clarity to what is negotiable, available, and what you’re willing to try. If i thought you were against me pouring hot candle wax on you, but it’s not off the table, then maybe that will encourage me to set up a lovely candlelight dinner at my place which ends with you blowing out the candles, just after the wax is poured all over you. Maybe that will turn into a lovely series of photos we’ll both save and cherish along with the experience we had. Communication is key, and when we know what’s going on, we can plan better, flow better, blow better. Okay, maybe not that last one, but who knows …
There are tons of songs, with catchy lines that say let’s have sex. There are entire apps dedicated to dating with the intent of sex, and “Hook up” apps like Tinder. Some of my friends are having lots of sex, some aren’t having any. But, we all think about, and talk about sex in some form or fashion pretty regularly. So, let’s talk sex.
In 2020, especially after society has been allowed to come outside again in most states, it seems like everyone is ready to jump into sex. Many have been stuck at home for months and weren’t able to get any. Others were home with a significant other and were getting it in as often as possible. Regardless which situation you were in, it’s summer, and masks probably aren’t the only thing you want people to take off. .
Sex is great, right? Wrong. Sex CAN be great. And you have to ask yourself what the difference is. Sex has the potential to be Earth shaking, pregnancy scaring, and even life changing. But let’s be real, that’s not what happens on a regular basis. At least not for everyone. Some people are out there having horrible sex, and settling for it. There are others having a great experience time in and time out. There are a ton of things that contribute to either experience. Lighting, mood, music, smells, tastes, the partner, your feelings towards them and more.
The question I pose is what can YOU do to enhance your sexual encounters? Well, here is my answer. It is the first and most important of many answers. It will be our focus today. I believe that this is similar to happiness. Hear me out. Many of us were taught that you need certain things to be happy. But that default list of things, that template is not true for everyone. The same goes with sex. I may need to tie someone up, and blind fold them to feel satisfied. You may need lots of oral sex, followed by intercourse. A third person may need lots of foreplay and then to be held afterwards to be good. Truth be told I’ve been all three of these scenarios at different times.
If the sexual needs are different, then the path to satisfaction must be different too right? Wrong. I believe that happiness comes from within. I also believe that sexual happiness starts from within. Your mental is the core of your being. The mind gives out messages to every system in the body. It’s the control center. This is true for sex as well. Mind over matter, is quoted often and is constantly relevant. The reason remains true, it starts within you.
Start by seeking sexual happiness. Ask yourself some questions and allow yourself to answer those questions. The answers may be extremely helpful.
What is it that makes you cum? What is it that turns you on? Are you having sex to cum? What are you looking for out of sex? Is sex just about you? How open are you to having sex? How open are you to trying new things?
If you start with yourself, then you can move forward. But going into sex no knowing what you want, what you aim to do, what your needs are, or how much you want to focus or not focus on your own pleasure, can make all the difference.
Here’s a quick example before I go.
Years ago, I dated a woman who loved anal sex. She was crazy about it. That was a huge turn on for me. But even though she loved anal sex, and we were both anticipating it, I remember one night when it wouldn’t work out no matter what we tried. Oral sex and making her cum before doing anal didn’t work. Fingering her asshole before trying to insert myself, didn’t work. Using lots of lube and a toy, didn’t work. And using a ton of lube, and trying to get inside of her raw didn’t work either.
Finally I asked what’s wrong. I asked if she changed her mind or felt pressured. I told her that we could do it another time. She expressed that she did want it, and was really frustrated that it wasn’t working out. We decided to take a break, listen to music, and just cuddle for a bit. A little while later we gave it a try, and it was a smooth and successful session. Her frustration was making her body reject things. Her mind and lack of patience interrupted things. Once she was calm and ready to receive, things went smoothly.
Sometimes you have to clear your mind, and simply embrace what’s going on right now. But first you have to be ready to do so. Talk with yourself, and figure out what your wants and needs are. Figure out what you are here for.
