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5 Things You Should Never Do In The Bedroom

There are tons of things that we should and shouldn’t be doing in the bedroom. Like many important things, we often learn this through mistakes and experience. I thought it may be helpful to give you a short list of definite things you should never do during sexual activities. These things are big no-nos during the forbidden dance. Sadly people do them often. If you’re doing any of these, I implore you to stop.

Playing dead is something animals do when in fear of a predator. Often this is a predator they cannot defeat with their strengths, so they play dead and outwit their foe. Your sex partner is not your enemy. In fact they are more like your dance partner. If you were at a hot party, dancing, moving, touching, sweating, you wouldn’t want them to just stand still. Sexual activity requires movement, participation. Participate. Don’t just lay there like a log. Join in by using all of the available parts of your body to make your partner feel good.

Sex should be mutually beneficial. Sometimes your partner may treat you and make you the focus of the session. That’s great, and fun. Unless that’s the aim for the current session, you shouldn’t be hoarding the pleasure. You shouldn’t be keeping it all for you and storing up as much as possible, to save for a rainy day. As opposed to making it about you, and only you (and your needs), make it about the two of you. Share the moment, share the pleasure. Realize that the more you please them, the more they want to please you. Sharing is caring, and there is no “i” in team (or in sex).

We all know the famous saying about what happens when you assume. Yet so many people assume during sexual activities. You assume they want this. You assume they don’t want that. You assume they want to be in this position. You assume they don’t want to be in that position. Stop that! You have no right to decide what they want or don’t want. Or what they will or won’t do. Stop assuming and speak. Ask questions, make suggestions, give hints, do something. But DO NOT ASSUME! For when you do so, you strip your partner of the choice, and that’s never okay.

People love to hold back during sex. They hold back everything they can. Climaxing, moaning, screaming, and whatever else they can imagine. Yes its true that build up helps an orgasm feel more intense. But if your partner is doing their job, and aiming to please you, allow them to do so. If you feel the urge to moan, do it. Want to scream, let it out. Sex should be flowing, natural, and fun. Putting constraints and restrictions on it doesn’t help either of you.

I had to save the trickiest one for last … Being impatient. Too many of us are like little kids at a store screaming out, “I want it! I want it!” But good things come to those who wait. Rushing through things, making demands, having no patience at all, will completely ruin a sexual activity. If she’s not wet enough, help her get there. If he’s not hard, give him a second to stretch out. Allowing your impatience to frustrate you often does the same to your partner. Now you’re both upset and no one got what they wanted. Better to be proactive than reactive. Take a breath, and give it a second. Know that you’re desires will be satisfied if you give your partner some time.

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How To Prep For A Sex Session

We don’t always know when sex is going to happen. But when you know beforehand, it gives you the opportunity to prepare. There are a few different ways you can prepare. Especially if you have advanced notice (24 hours or more). I’ve decided to break it down into sections. Because each of these plays a part in preparing for the fun. Its always better to be prepared. It can avoid problems and keep the party flowing smoothly.

Diet:

What we eat directly affects our bowls, our stomachs, our scents, and more. For example, if you consume lots of cheese and dairy there’s a high chance that you’ll feel bloated. There are foods that make us gassy, and others that affect our breath or can seep our of your pours. One easy example is alcohol. Another is garlic. These are all things that aren’t very welcoming to a partner and can also divert your mood or sex drive. So, be mindful of what you eat leading upto a sex session.

Mental:

Mental preparation is probably one of the most slept on parts of sex. People often dive in, have no plan and didn’t prepare themselves for what’s about to go down. This is just as important with reoccurring partners as it is with brand new ones. Being ready, not being nervous, or overly anxious are helpful for both parties. You want to go in with a clear mind, a focused mind. A mind ready to embrace the fun, and bring positive vibes into the bedroom.

Hygiene:

Whether this is a long-term sex partner or a brand new one, it’s important to present yourself clean and ready. Both parties should be clean and ready to go. Whether your partner has tasted you hundreds of times, or never before, you want them to enjoy your tastes and smells. It’s true that some people may not want you fresh out the shower every time. We all have different preferences. But very few want you to come to a sex session salty and smelly. Show up ready to be sucked and fucked.

Communication:

Something I mention too often is communication. Speaking with your partner is always important and helpful. There are often so many things assumed and left unsaid before sex or meet ups. These things later cause tension, confusion and other problems. Ask whatever questions you may have, and give them the room to do the same. I’m not talking about planning the entire night. I’m talking about clearing the air and making sure that you’re both on the same page. A quick conversation prior can make a world of a difference.

Tools (condoms, toys, etc):

Every situation calls for different things. You may not need condoms, or Plan B pills, but perhaps you need a slew of other things for your fun. Make sure you have the handcuffs, whipped cream, strawberries, balls gag, zip ties, or whatever else available. If you need contraceptives make sure you have them or know who is responsible for bringing them. If you left the wand at their place, make sure they bring it back this time. This is part of communication, but is often its own piece of the puzzle. Its better to make sure you have these things before hand. You don’t want to show up without something that may have been a big part of the plan for the night.

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The Coding Of A Bachelor

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Sex Talk Pt. 5 – Hygiene

Personal hygiene is how you care for your body. This practice includes bathing, washing your hands, brushing your teeth, and more.

Healthline.com

Personal hygiene is our topic this week. It may seem like a no brainer, but it’s not something we should assume that our partner just has mastered. Also, in part two of my dating tips, I spoke about asking questions. You and your partner may view hygiene differently. For example, rag vs no rag (or loofah) when washing. Whichever your choice is may vary from your partner’s. The difference in opinion and cleaning styles can make a big difference.

Hygiene is a weird topic to talk about. People are finicky and this is a sensitive topic to talk about. Especially in 2020 when people “ghost” others for the slightest thing(s). However, the way we take care of our bodies varies from person to person and can affect the bedroom if you’re not careful. I encourage you to talk about this topic. Just tread softly.

There are definitely days when you want to please your partner and see what they taste like after a full day of being up and about. But what if it’s not one of the days you feel that way? What if you’re trying a new natural deodorant and its not working as well as you’d like? Or, what if you just came out of the gym and are all sweaty? Sweaty can be sexy, but not if it taste like, “oh no”. 🤢

Years ago I was seeing a woman who was so concerned with personal hygiene that she washed twice every shower. She used two diferent soaps, and then put a scented lotion all over her body. She smelled just as irresistible as she looked. Especially after she was done moisturizing. However, after a few months I asked her why she never skipped the “kitty” when she did this. She said she wanted to make sure there was never a reason for a man to turn away from oral sex. I totally understood. I asked her could she skip that area next time. I told her that I appreciated her methods and reasoning, but I also wanted to fully taste her. She obliged, and I made sure we both enjoyed ourselves.

On another occasion I had just got home from work, and got a booty call. I said yes, without knowing how soon they’d arrive. When they said they’d be at my place in just a handful of minutes I panicked a bit. I’d showered just before going to work, and work wasn’t very busy. But I prefer to be fresh for my partners. There wasn’t enough time for a bird bath or a quick wash up. So I used a pack of wipes that a friend gave me. They were scented and “for men”, but I’d never used them before. I gave my areas a quick wipe down and finished as they called saying they’d arrived. Things got heavy quick and she started giving me oral sex. Almost immediately she stopped and asked me what I’d done or used to make “him” taste so bad. I was embarrassed to say the least.

To conclude I’ll say this. We all have different styles and scents we use. We all have different natural smells and odors. Your partner has to smell and taste whatever is going on with your body, “private parts”, mouth, etc. Be curtious and think of your partner. Have a conversation with them and see what they like and don’t like. Then you should be able to discuss their routine, scents, etc as well. Keep things mutual, keep things light, and tread softly. Increasing the communication, and the cleanliness are always a good thing. You may not have to change anything, but if you did, it would be for both party’s benefits. Remember, when people enjoy things more, they do them more often.

Quick Links:

Sex Memoir

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Sex Talk Pt. 2 – Exploring

Exploration is the name of the game. Whether you are in a relationship, single, having a one night, stand, or an orgy you want to explore. Explore your partner’s body. I cannot stress how important, informative, and fun this can be. Whether you enjoy learning, enjoy pleasing your partner or are just looking to have a fun time, this will be beneficial to you. Today’s tip is all about exploration.

When you go on vacation you usually go to a cool place you heard about, a place you were really curious about, or maybe a place that just caught your attention and sparked some curiosity. How you discovered the place you are traveling to isn’t the focus. What happens once you book the flight, cruise, or whatever, is that anticipation begins to build. You begin getting excited and your curiosity grows even more. You wonder what kind of food they have, or where the cool places to go are. You may be going to relax, you may be going to turn up, but either way you plan on checking out a few spots to see what places leave a mark on your mind and make the experience memorable.

If you’re like me and many others, food is one of the things on the top of that list when you go somewhere. You’ve probably got a whole list of places you want to go to taste and sample things. You plan to do some sight seeing, maybe some bar hopping, and eating is usually close to the top of the priority list. Well, I advise that you treat sexual experiences similarly. Approach them with a curious mind, an eager mind, and a mind prepared for adventure.

Take some time to really check out everything that your sex partner has to offer. Survey the land, check out a few hot and cold spots, and taste a few things. There are tons of ways to do this. You could ask the person to lay naked and you could kiss every curve and crevice. Or you could begin with a pat down. Roaming their body with your hands while they are clothed and maybe step it up to a strip search after a few minutes. Another tactic is to mix it up. A little touching, a little tasting, and see how they react to each of those sensations in different places.

It may be true that certain “hot spots” are universal for the most part. But you will have more fun discovering their secret spots, and the spots that you didn’t expect to turn them on. You may just find a spot that makes them laugh, because it’s sensitive or tickles. But even that discovery can be kept in your back pocket for a later time. No discovery is a waste of time in my opinion. You may also be unintentionally helping your partner learn things about their body, likes, and dislikes, as well. Perhaps they never knew that their knee cap was a sensitive spot for them. Until you kissed and licked on it they never knew how much of a turn on it was for them.

Another reason to take some time out to explore is that this helps build anticipation for what’s coming next. And no, that doesn’t mean intercourse. Just because I’m telling you that I’m going to explore your body, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to go directly from head to toe. Maybe I’ll start at the feet and work my way up, maybe I’ll start at the head and work my way down, maybe I’ll jump around a bit just to throw you off. You keep the person guessing, and excited simply by bringing a bit of mystery to the game.

Check it ALL out. Anything that you and your partner are okay with. IF you are both comfortable with it, then try it. Taste it, feel it, and see what happens. If you’re not aiming for a quickie then this is the perfect way to add time to the clock, make things a bit more fun, and build anticipation. While they lay there happy and guessing, their body is building up, getting tense or loose, and the mind is running wild trying to guess what’s next and how it’s going to feel.

In closing, you will literally see the benefits of this activity. More so, you can take your sweet time, or do a quick version. You can do as much or as little as you like. I find that the more thorough you are the more fun it is for you both. However, that is up to you. As long as you are both comfortable and enjoying the experience that’s what matters most. The goal should be to have fun, and learn something new about either yourself or your partner. Explore the front of their body, the back of their body, and just make sure that you both know what’s off limits. You’ll be surprised how much fun you could have. And, when it’s all over, if you’ve got a good partner they’ll say, “My turn”, and then they’ll explore your body.

Quick Links:

Sex Memoir

Sexual Intellectual Playlist

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Dating Someone New Pt. 4

Hey Intellectuals! This this week we are going to dive into the next and very important piece of the puzzle of dating someone new. It actually doesn’t matter if you are deep into dating or just met someone on an app and are trying to build interest and see what the chemistry is like. Today’s dating tip, is on a very simple, forgotten word. Today’s dating tip is all about consistency. Consistency is major, vital, important, necessary, and all of the other synonyms you can think of. Put a gold star on this one, its really important.

Being there, showing up, coming to class daily, is work. Think about perfect attendance. That is when a person shows up every day no matter what. There are even jobs that reward employees who never call out sick. Why is that? Why should a person who shows up be rewarded? Just because they showed up? NO! They are being rewarded because showing up daily, being there every day is work. And that work should be appreciated and rewarded. In dating this also remains true.

We often sweep this under the rug. Some even say that if someone hits you up daily they are thirsty and its a turn off. Well that may vary and be a perspective that changes on a person by person basis. However, when people are seeking a connection, when people are building with someone, one of the things that matter and make you stand out from the pack (believe me, there are usually others seeking their attention too), is that consistency. Being the person who checks in regularly, who sends a text, who makes a call, who sends a DM, makes you stand out. It also boosts your stock.

Does that mean you have to do this on a daily basis? No. Does it mean that at 6am every day you have to send a text as soon as your eyes open? No. What it means is that you should be showing your interest regularly. Everyone likes attention. Everyone likes being checked on. You enjoy it, and so does the other person. So show them you like them. Show them you are INTERESTED. It takes a few seconds to send a text, to press call, or to send a DM or even an email. And doing so regularly, consistently, will help. It lets the person know that you want to see what’s going on with them, that you are interested and that you are TRYING!

I’m not saying that you have to blow up their phone with texts, calls, and emails. I’m saying that we should be showing interest and trying REGULARLY. That’s all. It’s really simple and can make a big difference. Especially during Covid19, lockdowns, etc. It shows that you took a second to reach out and say hi, or how are you feeling, during all the current chaos and confusion going on. Its a clear sign of showing that you want to stay connected. And, lets be real, plenty of people are pushed forward simply because they show up. When you’re always around, it’s also hard to ignore you.

So, go be consistent. Go show up. Go show interest. Go try.

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Off The Rebound

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Dating Someone New Pt. 3

Recently I discussed the importance of asking questions. Gaining information, learning, creating solutions and gaining insight all come from asking questions. That segways into our next topic. Which is really just the larger picture. Although this term is often looked at as basic, it is vital in any relationship. And it couldn’t be more important when dating someone new.

in the era of ghosting, dating apps, and short attention spans communication is probably more important than ever. Especially with lockdowns, restrictions, and social distancing complicating the dating scene even more. The layers of complication seem to be mounting against the single crowd. Without communication and a few other tools I don’t see how you’d get through it all. So, let’s speak a bit about communication.

It seems that in 2020 basic communication is almost a foreign notion. There are all types of assumptions and expectations that seem to come out of thin air. Covid19 hasn’t helped that one bit. In fact it’s over complicated some things and simplified others. The first date may just be a video chat now. But even if that is so, you’d have to communicate to set that up.

You’d need to know when the other person’s free, what’s the best time or date for them, and a slew of other things. Doing things spontaneously or off the whim is fine and can be exciting. However, without clear communication things may fall apart rather quickly. One of the keys to any relationship is clearly communicating. It doesn’t matter if it’s your mom, dad, sister, brother, spouse or best friend. You need to speak and be clear about things.

For example, I am against smoking cigarettes. Better said, I prefer not to deal with anyone on an intimate level if they smoke cigarettes. However, I am obligated to express that to anyone I talk to. If we are exploring things, trying to establish a bond, or even if we have chemistry, a simple cig can tarnish the evening. I’ve made exceptions before and they were respectful. However, even then, I needed to express my limitations.

It is true that asking questions is vital and brings important information out. However, we cannot assume that the other person will ask us a laundry list of questions. We must take responsibility and communicate. At minimum people need to know your intentions, your limitations, your expectations, and so on. Even if we are talking about a, “hook up”.

If you and someone else have established that you’re attracted to one another, everyone got tested (for STIs and Coronavirus), and is ready for fun, great. What next? Consent obviously, but what else? They may just be coming over every Wednesday night at 9pm for a smash and dash, and then jumping in an uber. Sounds great. But not if you’re not communicating properly.

They would need to know when arrive, when to go, can they stay over, do you have roommates, and much more. Again, we cannot assume that they will ask questions or know everything. Letting them know what’s going on prior will make for a smoother time. “I have a roommate, a cat, and after 9pm I’m free all night. If you want to stay over you can, but I have to leave home at 8am to do _____”. That is informative, helpful, and clear.

If you want less mess, communicate more. I’m not saying tell them your deep dark secrets. I wouldn’t go that route. But decide what you need to express, and so in a calm and clear way. I am pretty sure that both parties will benefit from it.

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Dating Someone New Pt 2.

“Question, tell me what you think about me” – Beyonce

Questions are important. When dating someone new they are vital. There are so many things you want to ask, should ask, and need to ask. Today we talk about questions and there importance when dating someone new. Hopefully this will help you ask the right questions, more questions, and more importantly, help you get to know that new person a little better.

In 2020 a lot of our world has been has been changed. However, one of the things that hasn’t changed is the importance of asking questions when getting to know someone. Whether you’re on date number 1, just came out of a movie, or are trying to figure out when to set up your next date, questions are important. Here’s an example of why. If you want to do something nice for the other person, like take them to their favorite place to eat, you’re going to need to know a few things. First you need to know where that place is, and then are they open right now, and if they aren’t where can you and your date go to actually consume that food.

Questions bring answers, solutions and information. All of which are helpful when you’re getting to know a new person. So, make sure you ask questions. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’d go as far as to say that when you’re dating someone new, there are no dumb questions to ask. Perhaps that is your fear. Perhaps you think that you’ll ask a question and they’ll think you’re a blundering idiot. Next they will dismiss you and then ghost you. Perhaps. But if you don’t try, you’ll never know.

I find that asking questions opens up the floor for all types of interesting conversations. One conversation can lead to another. You can share your thoughts on the same subject. Next thing you know a bunch of time has passed, you’re both having a blast, and a good conversation. Furthermore, if you’re intrigued by something they respond with, it may lead to another question. Maybe it’ll lead to a deep dive and if you’re a sapiosexual you may be turned on by what they teach you.

When dating someone new I ask all types of questions. I ask questions just out of curiosity, I ask questions to see what views and perspectives we share, i ask questions to see what they like and what their reasoning for it is. I ask about core beliefs, politics, sex (once we are both comfortable discussing those topics), and all types of different preferences. Simply because if you don’t ask, you probably won’t know. Especially in the beginning of dating someone. I also believe that the more you know now, the better things will be later. The knowledge you gain leaves you with less to assume.

If you’re dating someone new or just want to pick your boo’s brain, here are a few questions you can ask – in no specific order or level of importance:

1, What’s your favorite type of food to eat? Example: Soul food, Cajun food, Italian Food.

2. What type of things do you like to do on your free time? Do you have a favorite thing to do on your spare time?

3. What’s the last book you read? Was it a physical book, or something you read on a device?

4. Do you have siblings? If so, how many? Are y’all close?

5. Do you believe in the 2 party system and democracy? To keep this simpler you can ask which party they side with. Or even simpler, “Are you a Democrat or Republican?”

6. What’s your favorite Disney Movie?

7. What made you take the current job you have? Is this the career you truly want to be in? You’d be surprised how many people are not in the career they want to be in, and why that is.

8. Are you looking to be in a relationship in the near future or just dating and having fun?

9. Are you looking to be married at some point?

10. Where’s one place in the world where you would love to visit?

11. Where is one place you’d never want to visit?

12. What’s your favorite ice cream?