Sex Isn’t A Valentine’s Day Gift

February 14th is a day where we are “supposed” to show love to those we care for. Adoration is on full display with flowers, chocolates, wine, and more. People of all ages go on dates, do special things for the people they care for. Usually this is a partner or significant other. It’s an annual thing for those in relationships or those dating and celebrating. Exquisite dinner plans and hopefully a night filled with lust comes afterwards. For some, the purpose of the night is to get to the lusty evening. For others they want to offer all they can to their partner to show their love.

In America this is often one sided affair. It’s a day dedicated to women. A day where they are showered in gifts and expensive dinners. But believe me, there are women who do the same for their man. There are women who go all out! They cook special meals, buy thoughtful gifts and wear special, enticing things. The saddest part is that both of this great, thoughtful types of people are often given only one thing in return. Sex.

Let me be the first to tell you … sex is NOT a Valentine’s day gift. Its not a Christmas gift, an Easter gift, or any other holiday gift. What it is, is an insult. Its an insult for one person to go above and beyond to make you feel special and in return they are given sex as the one gift you give them. This other person has spent their time thinking of stuff to do, their time making those things come to forwishing, and then they spent money. It likely wasn’t five dollars either. In return you say thank you with sex …

Sex … just sex. Nope … that isn’t enough. Its not enough if its a marathon. Its not enough if its extra nasty. Nope. Its a slap in the face. Shame on you if that’s all you’re giving to the person who spent time and their hard earned money. Put yourself in their shoes. After weeks of planning, paying attention to details, to take them where they’d love to eat, to get them a gift they’d really like, or cook them their favorite meal, and spent money each step of the way, they not only show up empty handed … they say their going to let you have sex with them as your gift. What?

Shame on you for thinking sex was an equitable gift. And shame on those who are thirsty enough to accept sex as a gift after they’ve done so much for the other person. Especially if you were already having sex with that person. That’s nasty. Like disgusting. Not nasty like sexual and titillating. It’s gross. The thirst has to really be real for you to be cool with just getting sex as a gift. Nah, give me several hundred dollars back so we can be even. 😝

Gifts, presents, are supposed to be meaningful, nice gestures. Sex isn’t that. Sex is a cop out. The same way you want cool gifts or great meals at cool restaurants, so does that person. They’ve put work in, put time in, and even if you’re sex is Only Fans worthy, and extra nasty, its not a gift. Do be lame, don’t be selfish, give them something thats not your body and not the body they’ve already came in, on, etc. Do something special. Google and Pinterest have loads of ideas. Don’t be lazy and insulting.

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The Coding Of A Bachelor

Sex Talk Pt. 18 – Taking Notes Will Improve Your Sex Life

You’ve got a million little things to do. One of them is your partner. If you care about pleasing them, or simply having a good time, then this tip will be helpful. Getting to know your partner takes time. As time passes, what people like and dislike will change. In the moment, many things can happen. You probably won’t remember every detail of every sex session.

If you want to pass the class, you have to take good notes. That doesn’t just apply to college courses. You can be good at sex, you can pay attention to details, but if you don’t take notes, you’re going to miss out on a lot. You could also just forget stuff. Being busy, and having lots on your mind, can make you forget vital information.

Do you need to have a physical notebook? No. Do you need to jot things down in your phone? No. Whichever you choose is fine. If you think your memory is good enough, you can use that. But these bookmarks, or sticky notes, will make a big difference.

Simply put, there are things that stand out in a good and a bad way during sexual moments. Foreplay, oral sex, intercourse, and after sex cuddles, all provide you with information. What you do with that information is up to you. Seeing those things is one skill, knowing what to do with that information is another. And, that information could be about them or about you. Either way, its good to be able to look back at those notes later on.

Taking notes will give you a slew of things to look back on, reflect on, use, or improve on. If your notes say your partner likes “Thing A”, you can do it more often. If your partner says they love when you wear blue underwear, you can make sure to have that color on next time you see them. Or, if you have a list of things they don’t like, you can skip that on focus on what they do like. You can also take notes on things you like and don’t like. Data collection is step 1. Reviewing and using that data is step 2.

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The Coding of a Bachelor: Part 1

Sex Talk Pt. 15 – Chemistry

Sometimes sex feels like it’s just flowing. It feels like it’s effortless, easy and fun. Other times sex feels like you’ve got to put in a lot of work mentally to even make it happen. One of the reasons this could be happening is because of chemistry. Chemistry isn’t just a science class where you learn how to combine elements. Breaking Bad was cool, but this is about another topic. Simply put, chemistry can take sex to levels you didn’t imagine. It can be with someone you have been with for eons, or a person you just met.

When things seem to click between you and another person, that’s chemistry. When things seem to just be seamless, that’s chemistry. When there’s a special, undeniable connection, that’s chemistry. Chemistry isn’t just about relationships, it has lots to do with physicality. It trumps looks, body types, and more. Because that spark, that connection, will leave you yearning for that person or even that feeling. It can be great, or dangerous at times. Especially when that undeniable feeling is with someone who you have great sex with, but not a great relationship with. I’ve seen chemistry keep people around for a long time, that probably should have been cut off decades ago.

Sometimes chemistry can take on a life of it’s own and make people do things that had no intention of doing. Sometimes it strengthens a bond, other times, it takes things to a more personal level, and other times it brings the “freak” out of you. When the chemistry is right you’re turned on, open minded, and yearning for the other person. You can be enthralled with the idea of being intimate with this person. Because it feels so good, you feel as if the connection you have physically is beyond that of thought. Since little to no thought is needed when you’re with this person, its a joyful experience each time.

I think that many of us in 2020 are skipping chemistry. I think that many of us seek out sex, or a goal of intimacy, without seeing if there’s a true spark, a deeper connection. I’m not talking about love, or feelings for a person, I’m speaking about a vibe. A vibe that has nothing to do with their lips, their outfit or your attraction to that person. I also think that if we truly valued what chemistry brings to sexual experiences, we would cherish and appreciate chemistry when we do find it. My advice is that you seek out chemistry with your partners. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have sex if there isn’t chemistry. That’s up to you. However, if you seek out those vibes and get them, you will have a greater, more memorable experience.

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Off The Rebound: A Sex Memoir

Sex talk 12 – Expressing Desires & Cravings

We all have cravings and desires. I’m not only talking about cake and ice cream either. Your partner may have amazing tongue skills and more. They may know your body well too. But if you’re not expressing your cravings, the things you desire, then it will be challenging to get them fulfilled.

Knowing what you want is hard enough. Then comes the inner debate about expressing or not expressing those things to your partner. You may think that what you’re craving is too much for your partner. Or perhaps its something small, but too wild for your partner’s taste. If you’re leaving it to chance, or hoping your parner is Professor X, there’s a low probability of you getting what you want.

So how do you get what you want? How do you get your cravings fulfilled? By expressing them. Which can be scary and difficult. However, often, if you don’t ask, you won’t know. It also means that if you don’t express, you won’t receive. Embracing your desires, expressing your cravings, and empowering yourself can all be synonyms.

Speaking up is powerful. Asking for what you want isn’t wrong. I think we should embrace it. I think our partners should too. I think more of us should speak to our partners about what we want and crave. I think if we did, it would make things easier, and may even let your partner learn more about you and the kinks you’re into. Pushing away your desires, pocketing your cravings, only stops you from gaining maximum satisfaction. Express it, embrace it, do it.

Quick Links:

Sex Memoir

Sex Talk Pt. 11 – Mutual Pleasure

Do you want sex to be one sided? Are you cool with just one person achieving maximum stimulation? I’m not just talking about coming. I’m talking about cravings and desires being fulfilled. Should only one person feel fully satisfied mentally (yes, sex is also mental), and physically when sex is over? If both parties aren’t being satisfied then the sex wasn’t truly fulfilling. Even if both parties came, that doesn’t mean they are both walking away a hundred percent satisfied.

Some may think that if a person made their partner cum, that the mission of maximum stimulation was achieved. But what about the other person involved? If I came but you didn’t, is the job done? Have your cravings been fulfilled? Probably not. Sex is often said to be an exchange. But there are plenty of statistics showing that it isn’t an exchange. Sadly studies have shown for decades that women come less often than men.

There’s an easy way to change these statistics and an easy way to ensure that everyone has a blast – pun intended. Focus on each other. Focus on making your partner happy. Focus on pleasing them. You can do plenty of small things to boost pleasure. The more you get to know your partner, the easier this becomes. But even if you laid with someone for the first time, as soon as you finished reading this, focusing on their pleasure will separate you from others.

People are often greedy and selfish. Everyone is trying to focus on coming, not coming, focusing on the momemt, attempting not to focus on the many things going through their minds. I understand all of those things and the reasoning behind them. However, if we focus on making the experience great for both parties, we can take things to a higher level of intimacy and pleasure.

In closing, it’s wise to focus on your partner’s pleasure. If both parties are doing this then it is easier to reach the goal of mutual pleasure. It’s easier to be satiated when the session is over. Ensuring your partner’s check list of wants is cleared, can also ensure great sex for two. And for men this can prove as a helpful way of taking your mind off of you reaching the finishline. Keep your partner’s pleasure, cravings and desires in mind at all times.

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Sex Memoir

Sex Talk Pt. 10 – Being Spontaneous

Sex can be great. Especially when the chemistry is right and you’ve gotten to know your partner well. When you know exactly what buttons to press, it’s a blast. But that can change rather quickly if you don’t keep things exciting. Which can prove to be challenging for partners who have been together for a while. So, here’s a way to help keep things fun.

Being spontaneous means doing things differently, possibly randomly, but definitely not routinely. Its very easy to slip into a routine when you’re with the same partner for a while. You might hit a few of your favorite positions, or a few of theirs and that’s it. Or maybe you mix it up, but there just too much sameness overall. Well, then it’s time to think outside of the box. Getting creative and adding some spice to your sex life can be both fun and rewarding.

When you’re stuck in a routine or just not having fun anymore, it’s best to switch it up. Taking a second to think about what may be fun, or what you haven’t done with this partner can change the game. In fact, you can even do something that the two you haven’t done in a long time. Building anticipation can be fun in itself. But catching your partner off guard is even more fun. There are tons of ways to make it happen, but the point is, fun begets fun. Even throwing the routine away for a night (or day) can be a blast.

Making things different, thinking outside the box, or simply being creative is its own reward. Now, when your partner sees that you’re trying to do new or different stuff to spice things up, they’ll greatly appreciate it. They’ll reward you as well. They’ll express their appreciation one way or another. And the experience will be rewarding for you both. Everyone wins when you switch things up.

Being spontaneous means being willing to do something different. Being on your toes and ready to do something beyond the norm (whatever that is for you and your partner). You could take the kids to a sitter and surprise them with an empty house where only candles provide light. That’s different. That works. You could also surprise your partner for lunch break, and give them oral sex in the car and then buy them a meal right after. It all works. You just have to be creative and think about what’s fun for the two of you.

Quick Links:

Off The Rebound

Sex Talk Pt. 9 – Positions

When it comes to positions there are some fan favorites and some very popular ones. Missionary is the default and many are fans of “doggy style”. But there are many other positions that are available to us. Some positions are better for clitoral exposure and others are better for hitting G-Spot. But which are better? And why are they better?

Well, as always you should be asking questions and speaking with your partner. Everyone likes different positions for different reasons. If you’re good with multitasking, then posotions that give more exlosure to the clitoris may be better for you. Perhaps you want to stimulate the clitoris during penatration. Or, if you are more focused on the G-Spot then you want to look into some other ones.

You can find different positions to try and to master in karma sutra books, online with a quick Google search, and even in porn. My advice is that you try a bunch of positions and see which ones you like. Make note of the ones you’re fond of even if your partner isn’t. This isn’t to be greedy, but partner’s change over time, and you should also know what you like. Just remember to also make note of which ones your partner did and did not enjoy as well. Then discuss those positions and see which ones you two would like to continue doing and which you should cease doing.

I remember years ago I was in a book store with my best friend. On one of the display cases was a book about karma sutra. I was a young adult (I think 20) and never heard of that. So I bought the book and began to learn and try different things. There’s still a few positions I’ve yet to try from the book. But I’ve tried many of them and with different partners. Sometimes I’ll pass my partner the book and ask them to choose one they’re interested in. Then we talk about it and try it in the near future.

Here’s a few of the positions from that book that you may want to try:

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Off The Rebound

Sex Talk Pt. 8 – Communicating

There are plenty of horror stories of people not being able to climax because their partner didn’t know they had to do something specific, or their partner switched what they were doing and it altered the course of their climax. There are also stories of people feeling like they needed to put forth tons of effort to get their partner to the finish line. What if both of these could be avoided? What if a simple tool could help everyone win in all situations? What would we call this tool? Communication is the tool. Let’s talk about the act, of communicating.

Communicating is vital in all relationships. Both sexual and non sexual relationships can thrive or fall apart completely if there isn’t affective communication. Talking with your partner isn’t only important, it can be the key to climaxing, connecting more, and building better chemistry. For example, I’ve been in situations where I was on the reviving end of some A-Class oral sex. It was amazing, I was nearing the finish line, and then she stopped. We had vaginal sex afterwards and I was beside starting over. The sense was gone. Later on, I told the woman that I was nearing my climax when she stopped, and she angrily asked, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”

See she, like me – whenever I’ve been the giver and not the receiver – would have continued for another moment or so to make that climax cum to forwishing (pun intended). Yet without the knowledge of it being near, and a jaw on the verge of “locking”, she felt it best to throw in the towel. I can’t blame her. I’m guilty of stopping in a similar situation or two. But if you tell me you’re about to cum, as 112 once said, “Baby I ain’t go nowhere”.

When we communicated with our partner it provides information, it can alleviate stress, and even bring excitement to a situation. Keeping your partner in the dark is foolish, a waste of time and effort. Being assertive, expressing what you need and want, are more effective and more helpful. Help those who are trying to help you. Once we are transparent about these things, the path ahead will be a much smoother ride. And you’d be surprised how willing they are to reward you for communicating that to them.

Sex Talk Pt. 7 – Planning

A lot of times we “go with the flow” or “freestyle” in the bedroom. Personally I’m a big fan of doing things that feel natural and letting things happen organically. Especially when you and your partner have good chemistry. It’s also nice to plan things at times. It sets a different tone and let’s things flow a bit differently.

When you come with a plan there’s less to be unsure about. You can also be more assertive. You can plan based on cravings or desires as well. For example, if you want to make a mess and get wild you could use whipped cream. Its soft, fluffy and doesn’t stick to body parts well. Mostly because we are warm and it melts. But it doesn’t have to be food or “toppings”.

You can plan a romantic night. You can plan a night full of great foreplay. You can set up a session that’s just based on wild oral sex. You can even do a theme like BDSM night or role play day. There are tons of options here. Each of them takes pressure off of you if you take a second to plan things out. This is even easier when you know your patner well or really listen to them when they talk about sex or sexual desires.

Another reason to put a plan together is to build excitement. It’s not to receive a call or text saying, “Tomorrow you just come through and be ready. I’ve got things planned out and you’re gonna cum a lot and have fun.” That’s a great text/call/email to receive. To just show up and have a blast. Zero pressure or expectations? Who doesn’t like that every once in a while?

To conclude, there is nothing wrong with “freestyling” sex or sexual activities. Its also helpful to switch things up every now and then. Remember that we want to keep sex fun and memorable. Planning ahead of time also gives us a clear path and saves time. Lastly, its easier to do this when you have great communication with your partner. The more you understand them, the easier it is to plan something fun for you both.

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Off the Rebound

Sex Talk Pt. 5 – Hygiene

Personal hygiene is how you care for your body. This practice includes bathing, washing your hands, brushing your teeth, and more.

Healthline.com

Personal hygiene is our topic this week. It may seem like a no brainer, but it’s not something we should assume that our partner just has mastered. Also, in part two of my dating tips, I spoke about asking questions. You and your partner may view hygiene differently. For example, rag vs no rag (or loofah) when washing. Whichever your choice is may vary from your partner’s. The difference in opinion and cleaning styles can make a big difference.

Hygiene is a weird topic to talk about. People are finicky and this is a sensitive topic to talk about. Especially in 2020 when people “ghost” others for the slightest thing(s). However, the way we take care of our bodies varies from person to person and can affect the bedroom if you’re not careful. I encourage you to talk about this topic. Just tread softly.

There are definitely days when you want to please your partner and see what they taste like after a full day of being up and about. But what if it’s not one of the days you feel that way? What if you’re trying a new natural deodorant and its not working as well as you’d like? Or, what if you just came out of the gym and are all sweaty? Sweaty can be sexy, but not if it taste like, “oh no”. 🤢

Years ago I was seeing a woman who was so concerned with personal hygiene that she washed twice every shower. She used two diferent soaps, and then put a scented lotion all over her body. She smelled just as irresistible as she looked. Especially after she was done moisturizing. However, after a few months I asked her why she never skipped the “kitty” when she did this. She said she wanted to make sure there was never a reason for a man to turn away from oral sex. I totally understood. I asked her could she skip that area next time. I told her that I appreciated her methods and reasoning, but I also wanted to fully taste her. She obliged, and I made sure we both enjoyed ourselves.

On another occasion I had just got home from work, and got a booty call. I said yes, without knowing how soon they’d arrive. When they said they’d be at my place in just a handful of minutes I panicked a bit. I’d showered just before going to work, and work wasn’t very busy. But I prefer to be fresh for my partners. There wasn’t enough time for a bird bath or a quick wash up. So I used a pack of wipes that a friend gave me. They were scented and “for men”, but I’d never used them before. I gave my areas a quick wipe down and finished as they called saying they’d arrived. Things got heavy quick and she started giving me oral sex. Almost immediately she stopped and asked me what I’d done or used to make “him” taste so bad. I was embarrassed to say the least.

To conclude I’ll say this. We all have different styles and scents we use. We all have different natural smells and odors. Your partner has to smell and taste whatever is going on with your body, “private parts”, mouth, etc. Be curtious and think of your partner. Have a conversation with them and see what they like and don’t like. Then you should be able to discuss their routine, scents, etc as well. Keep things mutual, keep things light, and tread softly. Increasing the communication, and the cleanliness are always a good thing. You may not have to change anything, but if you did, it would be for both party’s benefits. Remember, when people enjoy things more, they do them more often.

Quick Links:

Sex Memoir