Sex Talk Pt. 1 – Mental Preparation

“Lets talk about sex.” – Salt-N-Pepa

There are tons of songs, with catchy lines that say let’s have sex. There are entire apps dedicated to dating with the intent of sex, and “Hook up” apps like Tinder. Some of my friends are having lots of sex, some aren’t having any. But, we all think about, and talk about sex in some form or fashion pretty regularly. So, let’s talk sex.

In 2020, especially after society has been allowed to come outside again in most states, it seems like everyone is ready to jump into sex. Many have been stuck at home for months and weren’t able to get any. Others were home with a significant other and were getting it in as often as possible. Regardless which situation you were in, it’s summer, and masks probably aren’t the only thing you want people to take off. .

Sex is great, right? Wrong. Sex CAN be great. And you have to ask yourself what the difference is. Sex has the potential to be Earth shaking, pregnancy scaring, and even life changing. But let’s be real, that’s not what happens on a regular basis. At least not for everyone. Some people are out there having horrible sex, and settling for it. There are others having a great experience time in and time out. There are a ton of things that contribute to either experience. Lighting, mood, music, smells, tastes, the partner, your feelings towards them and more.

The question I pose is what can YOU do to enhance your sexual encounters? Well, here is my answer. It is the first and most important of many answers. It will be our focus today. I believe that this is similar to happiness. Hear me out. Many of us were taught that you need certain things to be happy. But that default list of things, that template is not true for everyone. The same goes with sex. I may need to tie someone up, and blind fold them to feel satisfied. You may need lots of oral sex, followed by intercourse. A third person may need lots of foreplay and then to be held afterwards to be good. Truth be told I’ve been all three of these scenarios at different times.

If the sexual needs are different, then the path to satisfaction must be different too right? Wrong. I believe that happiness comes from within. I also believe that sexual happiness starts from within. Your mental is the core of your being. The mind gives out messages to every system in the body. It’s the control center. This is true for sex as well. Mind over matter, is quoted often and is constantly relevant. The reason remains true, it starts within you.

Start by seeking sexual happiness. Ask yourself some questions and allow yourself to answer those questions. The answers may be extremely helpful.

What is it that makes you cum? What is it that turns you on? Are you having sex to cum? What are you looking for out of sex? Is sex just about you? How open are you to having sex? How open are you to trying new things?

If you start with yourself, then you can move forward. But going into sex no knowing what you want, what you aim to do, what your needs are, or how much you want to focus or not focus on your own pleasure, can make all the difference.

Here’s a quick example before I go.

Years ago, I dated a woman who loved anal sex. She was crazy about it. That was a huge turn on for me. But even though she loved anal sex, and we were both anticipating it, I remember one night when it wouldn’t work out no matter what we tried. Oral sex and making her cum before doing anal didn’t work. Fingering her asshole before trying to insert myself, didn’t work. Using lots of lube and a toy, didn’t work. And using a ton of lube, and trying to get inside of her raw didn’t work either.

Finally I asked what’s wrong. I asked if she changed her mind or felt pressured. I told her that we could do it another time. She expressed that she did want it, and was really frustrated that it wasn’t working out. We decided to take a break, listen to music, and just cuddle for a bit. A little while later we gave it a try, and it was a smooth and successful session. Her frustration was making her body reject things. Her mind and lack of patience interrupted things. Once she was calm and ready to receive, things went smoothly.

Sometimes you have to clear your mind, and simply embrace what’s going on right now. But first you have to be ready to do so. Talk with yourself, and figure out what your wants and needs are. Figure out what you are here for.

Quick Links:

Off The Rebound: A Sex Memoir

Sexual Intellectual Playlist