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A Quick Lesson On Safe Words

Safe words like “Red” & “Pineapples” have been made famous over the years. The 50 Shades movies & books showed various times where the words were used. Often it was said when one of the main characters felt she was at her limit and the pleasure was turning into pain. Mr. Hart used it as a truthful joke in his stand up. He used the word any time he felt uncomfortable. Both forms of media were highly praised and both gave you different scenarios where the words could and should be used. Both are extremely popular, and both have received both great and horrible feedback for a number of different reasons.

I don’t think either of them used the words incorrectly. It is true that safe words by nature make you think that they are words that are only to be used when sexual activities become dangerous or borderline abusive. The very term insinuates that the phrase will keep you away from danger. However, safe words, like any words, are what you make them out to be. As they said in The Matrix Reloaded, “It is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies.” This K. Hart saying his safe words whenever he feels uncomfortable isn’t wrong either.

Safe words can be used in many scenarios. It would behoove you go diacuss each of them with your partner. The last thing you want to do is throw them off when you say it. They can easily be confused and not know what they should do in that moment. If they’re used to hearing it when someone is hurt and you’re not, they can be completely lost when you say it. Since we’re all into different things, and all trying different things with different partners, its only logical to have agreed upon safe words with your partners.

Knowing each other’s safe words, or creating one for both of you to use together is a good idea. Another good idea is letting your partner know when and where you usually use it. For example, if you use it when you’re feeling too much pleasure and you need a quick break, you should let them know that. You never know what their history and experiences with safe words may be. You should assume nothing. Safe words are great ways of communicating during sexual and sensual activities. They tell your patner that it’s time to stop whatever they are doing no matter what it is. Another great way to use safe words is when you’re trying new things together. You may not be into something as much as they are and may need to put a stop to things.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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Why Faking Has To Stop

There’s an entire culture around faking orgasms. Women may be famous for doing it, but even men are known to fake an orgasm on occasion. Most women who are faking, are doing it to make their partner feel good. The idea is that their partner feels accomplished and successful. However, this actually does more damage than good.

A 2019 study found that 57% of the women they surveyed (via the internet) faked an orgasm to make their partner feel good. These ladies are with partners who are falling short. Instead of being honest these ladies are lying. Perhaps they think they are doing a good deed. I’m not 100% sure what drives them to do this. What I can say is, these numbers are alarming. In fact, each lie is contributing to a culture I disapproved of.

Male centered, misogynistic sex is legit and pretty dominant. Its the reason why for years in movies you only saw the man “finish”. Its the same reason why for far too long women were told to be submissive and satisfy their man in the bedroom. The misogyny continues in the bedroom, and lying to stroke that man’s ego reinforces (in his mind and others) that he should be the focus. That he’s “the man” and he should beat his chest after conquering another lady.

The male ego is fragile and perhaps that’s why these women are lying. But these fraudulent orgasms are only boosting the egos of men who are greedy and self centered. The reality is that sex should be mutually beneficial. Both people should strive to please each other and make every session as pleasurable as possible. The reality is, enforcing these lies is hurting women not helping them. You’re telling that partner they’ve done well, when in reality they haven’t done well enough.

There will be times when you don’t reach orgasm during sex. That isn’t a crime, however unfortunate it may be. Whay should happen when your climax isn’t reached is where the game changes. This is where I offer a solution. My solution is communication (yes again). Speaking to your partner allows them the room for growth, and the time to focus on your needs. If they came, and feel good, great. Now they can catch their breath and do whatever they must to return the favor. They have a mouth, hands, and more.

If this time is taken to learn your likes, and focus on you, it will also show them how to make you cum. It will help them step their game up, which in turn helps you. If they too are dedicated to making the pleasure mutual, and making you feel good, then this really isn’t a difficult ask. Even if they view it as a task, they should be willing to deliver. If not, they may not be worth your time. That decision is yours and yours alone. But please stop the faking.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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How To Prep For A Sex Session

We don’t always know when sex is going to happen. But when you know beforehand, it gives you the opportunity to prepare. There are a few different ways you can prepare. Especially if you have advanced notice (24 hours or more). I’ve decided to break it down into sections. Because each of these plays a part in preparing for the fun. Its always better to be prepared. It can avoid problems and keep the party flowing smoothly.

Diet:

What we eat directly affects our bowls, our stomachs, our scents, and more. For example, if you consume lots of cheese and dairy there’s a high chance that you’ll feel bloated. There are foods that make us gassy, and others that affect our breath or can seep our of your pours. One easy example is alcohol. Another is garlic. These are all things that aren’t very welcoming to a partner and can also divert your mood or sex drive. So, be mindful of what you eat leading upto a sex session.

Mental:

Mental preparation is probably one of the most slept on parts of sex. People often dive in, have no plan and didn’t prepare themselves for what’s about to go down. This is just as important with reoccurring partners as it is with brand new ones. Being ready, not being nervous, or overly anxious are helpful for both parties. You want to go in with a clear mind, a focused mind. A mind ready to embrace the fun, and bring positive vibes into the bedroom.

Hygiene:

Whether this is a long-term sex partner or a brand new one, it’s important to present yourself clean and ready. Both parties should be clean and ready to go. Whether your partner has tasted you hundreds of times, or never before, you want them to enjoy your tastes and smells. It’s true that some people may not want you fresh out the shower every time. We all have different preferences. But very few want you to come to a sex session salty and smelly. Show up ready to be sucked and fucked.

Communication:

Something I mention too often is communication. Speaking with your partner is always important and helpful. There are often so many things assumed and left unsaid before sex or meet ups. These things later cause tension, confusion and other problems. Ask whatever questions you may have, and give them the room to do the same. I’m not talking about planning the entire night. I’m talking about clearing the air and making sure that you’re both on the same page. A quick conversation prior can make a world of a difference.

Tools (condoms, toys, etc):

Every situation calls for different things. You may not need condoms, or Plan B pills, but perhaps you need a slew of other things for your fun. Make sure you have the handcuffs, whipped cream, strawberries, balls gag, zip ties, or whatever else available. If you need contraceptives make sure you have them or know who is responsible for bringing them. If you left the wand at their place, make sure they bring it back this time. This is part of communication, but is often its own piece of the puzzle. Its better to make sure you have these things before hand. You don’t want to show up without something that may have been a big part of the plan for the night.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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Sex talk 12 – Expressing Desires & Cravings

We all have cravings and desires. I’m not only talking about cake and ice cream either. Your partner may have amazing tongue skills and more. They may know your body well too. But if you’re not expressing your cravings, the things you desire, then it will be challenging to get them fulfilled.

Knowing what you want is hard enough. Then comes the inner debate about expressing or not expressing those things to your partner. You may think that what you’re craving is too much for your partner. Or perhaps its something small, but too wild for your partner’s taste. If you’re leaving it to chance, or hoping your parner is Professor X, there’s a low probability of you getting what you want.

So how do you get what you want? How do you get your cravings fulfilled? By expressing them. Which can be scary and difficult. However, often, if you don’t ask, you won’t know. It also means that if you don’t express, you won’t receive. Embracing your desires, expressing your cravings, and empowering yourself can all be synonyms.

Speaking up is powerful. Asking for what you want isn’t wrong. I think we should embrace it. I think our partners should too. I think more of us should speak to our partners about what we want and crave. I think if we did, it would make things easier, and may even let your partner learn more about you and the kinks you’re into. Pushing away your desires, pocketing your cravings, only stops you from gaining maximum satisfaction. Express it, embrace it, do it.

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Sex Memoir

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Sex Talk Pt. 8 – Communicating

There are plenty of horror stories of people not being able to climax because their partner didn’t know they had to do something specific, or their partner switched what they were doing and it altered the course of their climax. There are also stories of people feeling like they needed to put forth tons of effort to get their partner to the finish line. What if both of these could be avoided? What if a simple tool could help everyone win in all situations? What would we call this tool? Communication is the tool. Let’s talk about the act, of communicating.

Communicating is vital in all relationships. Both sexual and non sexual relationships can thrive or fall apart completely if there isn’t affective communication. Talking with your partner isn’t only important, it can be the key to climaxing, connecting more, and building better chemistry. For example, I’ve been in situations where I was on the reviving end of some A-Class oral sex. It was amazing, I was nearing the finish line, and then she stopped. We had vaginal sex afterwards and I was beside starting over. The sense was gone. Later on, I told the woman that I was nearing my climax when she stopped, and she angrily asked, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”

See she, like me – whenever I’ve been the giver and not the receiver – would have continued for another moment or so to make that climax cum to forwishing (pun intended). Yet without the knowledge of it being near, and a jaw on the verge of “locking”, she felt it best to throw in the towel. I can’t blame her. I’m guilty of stopping in a similar situation or two. But if you tell me you’re about to cum, as 112 once said, “Baby I ain’t go nowhere”.

When we communicated with our partner it provides information, it can alleviate stress, and even bring excitement to a situation. Keeping your partner in the dark is foolish, a waste of time and effort. Being assertive, expressing what you need and want, are more effective and more helpful. Help those who are trying to help you. Once we are transparent about these things, the path ahead will be a much smoother ride. And you’d be surprised how willing they are to reward you for communicating that to them.