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Sex Talk Pt. 24 – Why Anal Sex Shouldn’t Be A Nightmare

Many times a woman’s first time exploring anal sex is often not an exploration at all. Its damn near an attack. To hear these ladies tell it, it’s almost always the same, horrible, traumatizing experience. And for the record, I believe them. It’s sad that I can guess why most women don’t like anal sex. Its even more sad, that the men who scarred them, often don’t know the damage they’ve caused.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and say that all men are innocent and ignorant to this. Definitely not. But, if they knew, what I knew, they’d probably take a different path when trying to give their partner their first anal experience. To be clear, what I know is nerves, and pleasure. Most of the nerves, and pleasure zones in the lower region of our bodies are connected. What does that mean? It means that your anus, has pleasure zones, and is connected to a network of nerves that your other “private parts” are part of.

Once you know that the anus is part of the same group of nerves as the other “pleasure parts”, then you know that the anus can, and does feel pleasure. Meaning, anal sex can feel good. This is true for all humans. Its part of our anatomy. That’s also why studies have shown for years that men (yes, even straight men), enjoy oral action or penatration of the asshole.

But regardless of your sexual preference, whenever you’re trying anal sex, it shouldn’t just be rammed and plowed. In fact, those are the very actions that many do take, and those are the same actions that have left many women hurt physically, and scarred mentally. Men who aren’t putting enough lube, aren’t preparing ladies for anal sex, and are just doing the bare minimum are messing it up for all of us.

My suggestion, is that you do some research of your own, learn anatomy, and speak with your partner. Ask your patner about past experiences, what felt good and bad, and maybe even do some research together. Then maybe the two of you can figure out how to move forward together. Because without trust, proper communication and preparation, you’ll only create problems. Problems aren’t the word we want, we want pleasure. Pleasurable, memorable, experiences for everyone.

Quick Links:

The Coding Of A Bachelor

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Sex Talk Pt. 21 – Why You Need A Bedroom Playlist

Music soothes the soul. Music has the power to change moods. Music has the power to spark emotions. Who doesn’t love a good song? Or a few …

As good as it is to hear each other, there’s nothing like hearing great music to help set the mood, or the tone. They say all super heros need theme music. I think memorable sex does too. Whether you’re using the music to drown out background noise from the apartment or neighborhood you’re in, or using it to stay in rhythm, a good playlist is helpful either way. And they don’t need to be 30 hours long either.

A good playlist can start the night off for you. You can have it playing when they walk in the room and it will grab their attention. It may even get the no-pants party started for you. Your partner could hear a song that sends them into heat, and begin stripping right then and there. Or, perhaps it snaps them back to a time when the two of you had a great intimate moment. Perhaps they’d like to recreate that moment.

A good playlist can also serve as a distraction. It could be a way of muting the loud neighbor, or roommate. It can also let those people know not to distrub the two of you. It can also be very helpful when trying new things in the bedroom. Sometimes you need a distraction so you’re not focusing on the pain or the super sensitive area they are kissing on. It can even help calm your nervousness during anxious moments. A little Luther goes a long way.

A playlist can be as short as 15 songs. The average song is 3.5 mins. That puts your playlist just under an hour. You can put that playlist on repeat mode and have a great night. When curating it – putting it together – you want to keep your partner in mind. Make sure the playlist is going to entice them. Create a vibe.

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Sex talk 12 – Expressing Desires & Cravings

We all have cravings and desires. I’m not only talking about cake and ice cream either. Your partner may have amazing tongue skills and more. They may know your body well too. But if you’re not expressing your cravings, the things you desire, then it will be challenging to get them fulfilled.

Knowing what you want is hard enough. Then comes the inner debate about expressing or not expressing those things to your partner. You may think that what you’re craving is too much for your partner. Or perhaps its something small, but too wild for your partner’s taste. If you’re leaving it to chance, or hoping your parner is Professor X, there’s a low probability of you getting what you want.

So how do you get what you want? How do you get your cravings fulfilled? By expressing them. Which can be scary and difficult. However, often, if you don’t ask, you won’t know. It also means that if you don’t express, you won’t receive. Embracing your desires, expressing your cravings, and empowering yourself can all be synonyms.

Speaking up is powerful. Asking for what you want isn’t wrong. I think we should embrace it. I think our partners should too. I think more of us should speak to our partners about what we want and crave. I think if we did, it would make things easier, and may even let your partner learn more about you and the kinks you’re into. Pushing away your desires, pocketing your cravings, only stops you from gaining maximum satisfaction. Express it, embrace it, do it.

Quick Links:

Sex Memoir

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Sex Talk Pt. 11 – Mutual Pleasure

Do you want sex to be one sided? Are you cool with just one person achieving maximum stimulation? I’m not just talking about coming. I’m talking about cravings and desires being fulfilled. Should only one person feel fully satisfied mentally (yes, sex is also mental), and physically when sex is over? If both parties aren’t being satisfied then the sex wasn’t truly fulfilling. Even if both parties came, that doesn’t mean they are both walking away a hundred percent satisfied.

Some may think that if a person made their partner cum, that the mission of maximum stimulation was achieved. But what about the other person involved? If I came but you didn’t, is the job done? Have your cravings been fulfilled? Probably not. Sex is often said to be an exchange. But there are plenty of statistics showing that it isn’t an exchange. Sadly studies have shown for decades that women come less often than men.

There’s an easy way to change these statistics and an easy way to ensure that everyone has a blast – pun intended. Focus on each other. Focus on making your partner happy. Focus on pleasing them. You can do plenty of small things to boost pleasure. The more you get to know your partner, the easier this becomes. But even if you laid with someone for the first time, as soon as you finished reading this, focusing on their pleasure will separate you from others.

People are often greedy and selfish. Everyone is trying to focus on coming, not coming, focusing on the momemt, attempting not to focus on the many things going through their minds. I understand all of those things and the reasoning behind them. However, if we focus on making the experience great for both parties, we can take things to a higher level of intimacy and pleasure.

In closing, it’s wise to focus on your partner’s pleasure. If both parties are doing this then it is easier to reach the goal of mutual pleasure. It’s easier to be satiated when the session is over. Ensuring your partner’s check list of wants is cleared, can also ensure great sex for two. And for men this can prove as a helpful way of taking your mind off of you reaching the finishline. Keep your partner’s pleasure, cravings and desires in mind at all times.

Quick Links:

Sex Memoir

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Sex Talk Pt. 10 – Being Spontaneous

Sex can be great. Especially when the chemistry is right and you’ve gotten to know your partner well. When you know exactly what buttons to press, it’s a blast. But that can change rather quickly if you don’t keep things exciting. Which can prove to be challenging for partners who have been together for a while. So, here’s a way to help keep things fun.

Being spontaneous means doing things differently, possibly randomly, but definitely not routinely. Its very easy to slip into a routine when you’re with the same partner for a while. You might hit a few of your favorite positions, or a few of theirs and that’s it. Or maybe you mix it up, but there just too much sameness overall. Well, then it’s time to think outside of the box. Getting creative and adding some spice to your sex life can be both fun and rewarding.

When you’re stuck in a routine or just not having fun anymore, it’s best to switch it up. Taking a second to think about what may be fun, or what you haven’t done with this partner can change the game. In fact, you can even do something that the two you haven’t done in a long time. Building anticipation can be fun in itself. But catching your partner off guard is even more fun. There are tons of ways to make it happen, but the point is, fun begets fun. Even throwing the routine away for a night (or day) can be a blast.

Making things different, thinking outside the box, or simply being creative is its own reward. Now, when your partner sees that you’re trying to do new or different stuff to spice things up, they’ll greatly appreciate it. They’ll reward you as well. They’ll express their appreciation one way or another. And the experience will be rewarding for you both. Everyone wins when you switch things up.

Being spontaneous means being willing to do something different. Being on your toes and ready to do something beyond the norm (whatever that is for you and your partner). You could take the kids to a sitter and surprise them with an empty house where only candles provide light. That’s different. That works. You could also surprise your partner for lunch break, and give them oral sex in the car and then buy them a meal right after. It all works. You just have to be creative and think about what’s fun for the two of you.

Quick Links:

Off The Rebound

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Sex Talk Pt. 9 – Positions

When it comes to positions there are some fan favorites and some very popular ones. Missionary is the default and many are fans of “doggy style”. But there are many other positions that are available to us. Some positions are better for clitoral exposure and others are better for hitting G-Spot. But which are better? And why are they better?

Well, as always you should be asking questions and speaking with your partner. Everyone likes different positions for different reasons. If you’re good with multitasking, then posotions that give more exlosure to the clitoris may be better for you. Perhaps you want to stimulate the clitoris during penatration. Or, if you are more focused on the G-Spot then you want to look into some other ones.

You can find different positions to try and to master in karma sutra books, online with a quick Google search, and even in porn. My advice is that you try a bunch of positions and see which ones you like. Make note of the ones you’re fond of even if your partner isn’t. This isn’t to be greedy, but partner’s change over time, and you should also know what you like. Just remember to also make note of which ones your partner did and did not enjoy as well. Then discuss those positions and see which ones you two would like to continue doing and which you should cease doing.

I remember years ago I was in a book store with my best friend. On one of the display cases was a book about karma sutra. I was a young adult (I think 20) and never heard of that. So I bought the book and began to learn and try different things. There’s still a few positions I’ve yet to try from the book. But I’ve tried many of them and with different partners. Sometimes I’ll pass my partner the book and ask them to choose one they’re interested in. Then we talk about it and try it in the near future.

Here’s a few of the positions from that book that you may want to try:

Quick Links:

Off The Rebound

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Sex Talk Pt. 8 – Communicating

There are plenty of horror stories of people not being able to climax because their partner didn’t know they had to do something specific, or their partner switched what they were doing and it altered the course of their climax. There are also stories of people feeling like they needed to put forth tons of effort to get their partner to the finish line. What if both of these could be avoided? What if a simple tool could help everyone win in all situations? What would we call this tool? Communication is the tool. Let’s talk about the act, of communicating.

Communicating is vital in all relationships. Both sexual and non sexual relationships can thrive or fall apart completely if there isn’t affective communication. Talking with your partner isn’t only important, it can be the key to climaxing, connecting more, and building better chemistry. For example, I’ve been in situations where I was on the reviving end of some A-Class oral sex. It was amazing, I was nearing the finish line, and then she stopped. We had vaginal sex afterwards and I was beside starting over. The sense was gone. Later on, I told the woman that I was nearing my climax when she stopped, and she angrily asked, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”

See she, like me – whenever I’ve been the giver and not the receiver – would have continued for another moment or so to make that climax cum to forwishing (pun intended). Yet without the knowledge of it being near, and a jaw on the verge of “locking”, she felt it best to throw in the towel. I can’t blame her. I’m guilty of stopping in a similar situation or two. But if you tell me you’re about to cum, as 112 once said, “Baby I ain’t go nowhere”.

When we communicated with our partner it provides information, it can alleviate stress, and even bring excitement to a situation. Keeping your partner in the dark is foolish, a waste of time and effort. Being assertive, expressing what you need and want, are more effective and more helpful. Help those who are trying to help you. Once we are transparent about these things, the path ahead will be a much smoother ride. And you’d be surprised how willing they are to reward you for communicating that to them.

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Sex Talk Pt. 5 – Hygiene

Personal hygiene is how you care for your body. This practice includes bathing, washing your hands, brushing your teeth, and more.

Healthline.com

Personal hygiene is our topic this week. It may seem like a no brainer, but it’s not something we should assume that our partner just has mastered. Also, in part two of my dating tips, I spoke about asking questions. You and your partner may view hygiene differently. For example, rag vs no rag (or loofah) when washing. Whichever your choice is may vary from your partner’s. The difference in opinion and cleaning styles can make a big difference.

Hygiene is a weird topic to talk about. People are finicky and this is a sensitive topic to talk about. Especially in 2020 when people “ghost” others for the slightest thing(s). However, the way we take care of our bodies varies from person to person and can affect the bedroom if you’re not careful. I encourage you to talk about this topic. Just tread softly.

There are definitely days when you want to please your partner and see what they taste like after a full day of being up and about. But what if it’s not one of the days you feel that way? What if you’re trying a new natural deodorant and its not working as well as you’d like? Or, what if you just came out of the gym and are all sweaty? Sweaty can be sexy, but not if it taste like, “oh no”. 🤢

Years ago I was seeing a woman who was so concerned with personal hygiene that she washed twice every shower. She used two diferent soaps, and then put a scented lotion all over her body. She smelled just as irresistible as she looked. Especially after she was done moisturizing. However, after a few months I asked her why she never skipped the “kitty” when she did this. She said she wanted to make sure there was never a reason for a man to turn away from oral sex. I totally understood. I asked her could she skip that area next time. I told her that I appreciated her methods and reasoning, but I also wanted to fully taste her. She obliged, and I made sure we both enjoyed ourselves.

On another occasion I had just got home from work, and got a booty call. I said yes, without knowing how soon they’d arrive. When they said they’d be at my place in just a handful of minutes I panicked a bit. I’d showered just before going to work, and work wasn’t very busy. But I prefer to be fresh for my partners. There wasn’t enough time for a bird bath or a quick wash up. So I used a pack of wipes that a friend gave me. They were scented and “for men”, but I’d never used them before. I gave my areas a quick wipe down and finished as they called saying they’d arrived. Things got heavy quick and she started giving me oral sex. Almost immediately she stopped and asked me what I’d done or used to make “him” taste so bad. I was embarrassed to say the least.

To conclude I’ll say this. We all have different styles and scents we use. We all have different natural smells and odors. Your partner has to smell and taste whatever is going on with your body, “private parts”, mouth, etc. Be curtious and think of your partner. Have a conversation with them and see what they like and don’t like. Then you should be able to discuss their routine, scents, etc as well. Keep things mutual, keep things light, and tread softly. Increasing the communication, and the cleanliness are always a good thing. You may not have to change anything, but if you did, it would be for both party’s benefits. Remember, when people enjoy things more, they do them more often.

Quick Links:

Sex Memoir

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Sex Talk Pt. 4 – Foreplay

The word of the day, better yet, the word of the week is foreplay. Foreplay is often slept on. It’s often skipped, ignored and neglected. Things get hot and heavy, they are flowing and you just want to get right to sex. You can’t think of anything more than penetration and the great feelings it gives each of you. You skip all of the pleasantries and next thing you know you’re in a full on sex session. Now you’re off to the races! But you never warmed up the car … you just drove off and went from zero to a hundred.

You may not hear about it in the barber shop or the local salon, but awesome foreplay does happen. It’s often skipped in stories as well. People seem to focus on the main stage when it comes to sexual activities. I’d like to gear the focus away from that today. Which is probably an unpopular thing to do in today’s instant world. But when we slow down and focus on the details, we get a better story. Just ask yourself, which of these two examples sounds better.

Example 1:

He made me cum so much! Girl, I came like three times back to back then a few minutes later I came again. The sex was great!

Example 2:

He played with my pussy while he kissed me. Then he put his mouth on every part of my body. After I came twice we went to have sex and he teased me some before putting it in. And girl, don’t get me started on the sex! He went slow and then picked up speed. That shit was intense.

Details. The devil is in the details. Make those details matter. Don’t skip them. You wouldn’t jump in your car and floor it. You warm that car up, make sure you have everything you need for yourself and that car, and then you check the mirrors before you start your trip. Well this should be no different.

No matter your sexual preference, how long you’ve been intimate with this partner, how long you’ve known this person, foreplay will make a difference. I don’t mean two kisses and then you fuck either. Take some time, and make it fun for the both of you. Warm that body up. Do the things that they like. Kiss, lick, nibble, bite, and suck on their body. Hit their spots, tease them, and make them want you more.

Good foreplay leads to great sex. You warm the person up, get them all hot and bothered and then provide good sex. That’s a memorable session. I’m not saying you have to perform oral sex on them for an hour straight. But on the flip side of the coin, if you did i’m sure they’d be very thankful and more than willing to show their appreciation in more ways than one.

Foreplay is supposed to be the pregame, the precursor to sex. Don’t skip it. Despite what TV shows, movies and the streets will have you believe, people enjoy foreplay. Good foreplay gets you turned on, in sync with each other, and can even make you cum. And that is all good. You want foreplay to be good. Get good at foreplay and you’ll see your sex life improve.

Lastly, remember that the same way you enjoy foreplay, so do they. Men and women both like foreplay. Never forget that. Foreplay is something everyone enjoys. There will definitely be times when you both want intercourse to happen and want it to happen right now. Thats fine. I’m not saying be a slave to foreplay. But please remember that both of you enjoy it. Do it to them, let them do it to you. Take a few minutes and let the good times happen. Everything in life doesn’t have to be instant or immediate.

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